Sharon Tohcan you forgive a cheater?
August 2nd 2006 11:09
Like they say, once a cheater - always a cheater. However I don't quite agree on this.. I believe that people can settle down into a serious relationship with someone who they will love and remain faithful to for the rest of their lives.
Okay get this, someone will only stay with you when they know they can't do any better....well, along with the fact that they love you.. then again, we're all made to be able to love more than once in our lives.. i believe that it is like that much more common before marriage.. people tend to want to be 100% sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives with the person whom they choose to marry.. some people change after marriage and their partner realises that they don't want to be with them anymore.. perhaps they don't feel they can adjust? the scenario really does depend on the person. I believe, as hard as it is to accept, that we as human beings, are selfish.
From a female perspective, we know that the majority of the male population womanise to some extent.. perhaps the reason why men cheat is to engage in new experiences, take in all that life has to offer before settling down into a much more serious relationship. Thats what I believe. That makes it easier for me to accept cheating.
But down to the very bottom, is cheating forgivable if your partner confesses and realises their fault? If you forgave them, would that temporarily make them grateful to have you back, but in the long run would they become unappreciative of you?
Or should you, as a selfish human being, want to find a better person.. and relinquish all love and memories you had with them.
If they realised their faults and want you back, I think this is what you should do:
1. re-assess your relationship with them: How long have you known them for? Was there any indication that they were cheating while they were with you and what were the signs? Take note of any memories, did they treat you properly, etc. Don't think about how much you love them, emotion overrides intellect. You can't think smart when you're emotionally involved.
If you can't let them go, move onto step 2.
2. interrogate them. Ask them why they did that - was it looks, personality, was it something you did wrong? If they don't give you a valid answer and tell you that they didn't know why - they're not being completely honest with you.. They weren't honest with you before, you give them a chance to admit their wrongs and fix everything up.. if they can't be honest with you now (post-cheating) then they will never ever be honest with you. Don't give in to them telling you that they love you, dismiss all that talk.. If they really loved you, they would never have done such a thing in the first place. What you really need now is honesty.
If they were honest with you and you accepted their reason, then move onto step 3.
3. Come up with a plan - the both of you, to improve your relationship. Compromise. Communicate. Why was there a dent, why did they feel the need to be with someone else, why weren't they satisfied with you?
If you or your partner can't be bothered, then forget the relationship being long-term. If it is something about you that you cannot really change (eg.you don't make enough money, or they don't like your parents) Move onto step 4.
4. Give it some time. Once realising your faults (if reasonable), tell them you need time to sort things through, to get over the situation, because you really do.. You need them to see your worth, also you need time to yourself to think hard about whether you really do want this relationship.
5. Forgive them.
I guess forgiving them is fine.. think more than twice to make sure you won't regret anything..
If they cheat on you again after having been through this, don't think about being with them again. I think having once been through this is much more than enough.
Okay get this, someone will only stay with you when they know they can't do any better....well, along with the fact that they love you.. then again, we're all made to be able to love more than once in our lives.. i believe that it is like that much more common before marriage.. people tend to want to be 100% sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives with the person whom they choose to marry.. some people change after marriage and their partner realises that they don't want to be with them anymore.. perhaps they don't feel they can adjust? the scenario really does depend on the person. I believe, as hard as it is to accept, that we as human beings, are selfish.
From a female perspective, we know that the majority of the male population womanise to some extent.. perhaps the reason why men cheat is to engage in new experiences, take in all that life has to offer before settling down into a much more serious relationship. Thats what I believe. That makes it easier for me to accept cheating.
But down to the very bottom, is cheating forgivable if your partner confesses and realises their fault? If you forgave them, would that temporarily make them grateful to have you back, but in the long run would they become unappreciative of you?
Or should you, as a selfish human being, want to find a better person.. and relinquish all love and memories you had with them.
If they realised their faults and want you back, I think this is what you should do:
1. re-assess your relationship with them: How long have you known them for? Was there any indication that they were cheating while they were with you and what were the signs? Take note of any memories, did they treat you properly, etc. Don't think about how much you love them, emotion overrides intellect. You can't think smart when you're emotionally involved.
If you can't let them go, move onto step 2.
2. interrogate them. Ask them why they did that - was it looks, personality, was it something you did wrong? If they don't give you a valid answer and tell you that they didn't know why - they're not being completely honest with you.. They weren't honest with you before, you give them a chance to admit their wrongs and fix everything up.. if they can't be honest with you now (post-cheating) then they will never ever be honest with you. Don't give in to them telling you that they love you, dismiss all that talk.. If they really loved you, they would never have done such a thing in the first place. What you really need now is honesty.
If they were honest with you and you accepted their reason, then move onto step 3.
3. Come up with a plan - the both of you, to improve your relationship. Compromise. Communicate. Why was there a dent, why did they feel the need to be with someone else, why weren't they satisfied with you?
If you or your partner can't be bothered, then forget the relationship being long-term. If it is something about you that you cannot really change (eg.you don't make enough money, or they don't like your parents) Move onto step 4.
4. Give it some time. Once realising your faults (if reasonable), tell them you need time to sort things through, to get over the situation, because you really do.. You need them to see your worth, also you need time to yourself to think hard about whether you really do want this relationship.
5. Forgive them.
I guess forgiving them is fine.. think more than twice to make sure you won't regret anything..
If they cheat on you again after having been through this, don't think about being with them again. I think having once been through this is much more than enough.
| 281 |
| Vote |
subscribe to this blog
Comment by Heej
Dota Stars
Anyways, apparently men being the donor and women being the carrier when it comes to conception, we want to donor as much as possible, cause from an evolutionary point of view, that's the best way to ensure that our genes survive and are passed on. The more the better... But from a female point of view since they'll be carrying the young for 9 months and will have the predominant role in nurturing it (in evolutionary terms of course, both parents should equally be responsible in this day and age), they will be happy to stick to a good specimen once they find one...
Well I guess that doesn't really relate to much these days. But if there are statistics on cheating and men do cheat more, I guess that could be one complex explanation... I guess certainly the stereotypical view is that men do cheat more, and shame on all those that do...
I think it might have something to do with wanting control and power in a relationship as well, like I can go out and do what I want cause I'm more dominant, type thing...
I think all guys that wanna cheat should take some tissue, go to the bathroom and relieve themselves... cause they'll feel exactly the same as after they've committed the felony~
Heh... hope that doesn't make it sound like I have experience... It's just the logical conclusion I came to... Actually I thought of it cause my dad's a cheater and there's this crazy stereotype in my culture that if the dad cheats the son will cheat also... So I had to come up with a preventative measure incase that view was remotely true~ heh
Comment by mmg
DRUNKENESS is not an excuse for cheating- no matter how drunk you are, you will never forget whom it is you love. cheating (and possibly breaking someone's heart along with the act) is always in our control, so if you really care about someone, it would not happen!
p.s.HEEJ----> huh? men wank in the bathrooms? that is ..... disgusting!
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
The first month, a one time fling with some woman in vegas? He wanted to feel like a stud I
suppose, how selfish can you be! Completly disregarding me and screwing someone else just for the fun of it, not to mention lying about it for 7 months.
To be honest I never thought I'd be the type of woman to take a cheater back.I thought those women were weak or simply couldn't do any better. My claim was always 'You hit me or cheat on me it'll be the last time you ever see me'. But, when you're faced with that kind of betrayl you know in your gut if its worth saving or not- and not until, and for me in this circumstance it is. BUT forgiving and forgetting are not mutually inclusive. There is always a 'but' isn't there?
It's an uphill battle everyday to not dwell in it, to not try an picture it, picture her, them. I was never suspicious before, now I'm ever doubtful and questioning. Its this nagging thought in the back of mind whenever I'm not with him. It's not my nature, but I can't help it.
But the truth is I can't hound him, stalk him, check his cellphone or drive by his house at all hours of the day and night, its too exhausting and I have a life of my own besides. I don't trust him, not yet, but given some time I'll let him earn it back- because he's shown that he really wants to. BUT, there it is again, I can't harbor this grudge anymore, it'll only cause me more pain. I won't make any more snide comments and I have to stop planning a rebuttle affair. I'm just going to take it day by day and focus on all the reason I want to be with him, not on all the ways he's hurt me. I'm just going to move on with my life.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
at the time things were rocky and she had just found out that i was getting mentally close to one of my friends although nothing happened. she then admitted after 1 year to kissing this guy which totally lost all my trust and i was devestated as little as a kiss can be.
however last night i found out that she had actualy had sex with the guy which i suspected nd fully belived ll along. but i guess when your in a relationship no matteer how many times you ask your partner t tell the truth deep inside u would rther than they keep the secret and lie as the truth can be gut wrenching.
i always thought in our relationship if anyone would ruin it and cheat it would be me- being a guy who spends a lotof time around women but somehow i managed to stray away from these sexual temptations which makes it al the more sickening to find out that my partner couldnt
now she is totally heart broken and has had to live with the guilt for over a year. should i take her back as we have plans to move in together and already have 5 start holiday booked and i know we are right for eachother or does my self respect mean more to me than any women ever could. i guess thats what prevents you from getting back with your partner in the end, the fact that it is u who loses the respect for urself, the sickness n ur stomach that u just can rid of, a mixture of shame, anger and embarressment. But i guess it is the embarressment that that hits you the most, knowing that people will look at you and think your soft or pathetic for taking a loved one bak after such cruel deeds, rather than your partner being humiliated and feeling shame for the actions it is u who feels embarressed and shame over the act as being cheated on can destroy a life, and future plans in only a sentence
please let me know your comments on this matter and i am happy to exhange me views if anyone has similar problems
Comment by Anonymous
so becazuse there was no hard evidence i chose to believe that he didnt do it.but now i am finding it really hard to get over this ordeal and everytime he goes out with his mates i find that i am worring bout weahter or not he is seeing another girl. i really want to forgive him and stop thinking about it but i just dont know how to. if anyone has any advice please tell me.
Comment by Anonymous
i was seeing this guy in january..it was nothing serious, kind of just talking about dating. But not exactly. Anyways, i went over seas and we talked and texted sometimes nothing major, i didnt really want to date him because before me he dated a girl for 3 years and it intimidated me. anyways on newyears i called him and said yeah ill date you, but then i saw on his facebook page she was writing to him, so i broke up with him and said not to call me or try another relationship until they were done. Anyways, i got back from my holiday, and i found out they had slept together but whatever we werent really anything.
sooo time passes and me and him get incredibly close, like in love, hanging out all the time...
and he promised me he would never talk to her again, had to desire...never loved her as much as he loved me blah blah...
anyways...
lets go back a couple years.
at 20 his mother just randomly got up and left.
he was a big mommas boy...and all of a sudden one day she just left.( this will be important in a second)
so whatever we go on for months being happy and rocky and whatever else. he would always say he was so lucky, and people would always coment and say 'why are you dating him'? without being concided or snotty, i am quite better looking then he is...
anyways.
he cheated on me again last week, two diffrent times.
he drove 1 in a half hours to see his ex gf, and they ended up sleeping together. Then when she cameback to her hometown ( where he lives also) she came over, he told her to leave, and she did, but then she came back.
anyways..
they ended up sleeping together and he never told me, i found out from one of his friends. mind you he said he was going to but it was only 1 week and he was trying to tell me, but felt to sick.. and wanted to work up the guts.
anyways...i was pretty much like i cant believe you did this to us, that was the one thing i was most scared of...and he said he couldnt believe he did this to us.
and that he was grossed out, he felt like he knew it was wrong but kept doing it...
anyways he wants to make it work, but im being really cautious...
he went to a counciller because he was so upset with himself and didnt understand why he did it because he doesnt like her, and is so inlove with me...
the physciatrist said he did it because he was so worried that i was going to leave him (throughout the relationship he would say please never leave me) anyways she said he has abbandonment issues because of his mother just randomly leaving. Also, he put me on a pedestal, and never felt good enough for me. Anyways...so he cheated straight up...hes written me a letter saying he wants to marry me so much, and wants to start a new chapter and loves me more then anyone in his entire life...wants to see the counciller together, and start going to church.
he says he wont drink unless im around, and is sending me flowers at work, and cries alot.
he doesnt want me to take him back right now, he said he wants to make himself a better person...for him and for us.
sooo my question
when do you forgive and when do you forget??
Comment by Anonymous
Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do with him yet but this situation has made me think quite a bit about cheating and forgiving. What I want to say to those who have never been in the situation, either as the cheater or the hurt partner, is that you truly cannot imagine what it feels like unless it happens to you.
I honestly believe that if you really love someone, if you believe in the person and the relationship, forgiveness is really the only option. It is my opinion that letting go of someone you love because of their indiscretions is not brave at all. It is cowardice because you are afraid to love and trust again. In the end, only you can make the decision and I urge you to follow your heart, not your head, for once, if only once.
Comment by Anonymous
Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do with him yet but this situation has made me think quite a bit about cheating and forgiving. What I want to say to those who have never been in the situation, either as the cheater or the hurt partner, is that you truly cannot imagine what it feels like unless it happens to you.
I honestly believe that if you really love someone, if you believe in the person and the relationship, forgiveness is really the only option. It is my opinion that letting go of someone you love because of their indiscretions is not brave at all. It is cowardice because you are afraid to love and trust again. In the end, only you can make the decision and I urge you to follow your heart, not your head, for once, if only once.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by NEED HELP!
Comment by Doubtful
I am in similar shoes, my how these men break beautiful woman's hearts. I am a dreamer, hopelessly romantic. My ex, has not admitted to cheating, although admitted to flirting, but there has been rumors he did cheat. I am torn because I love him, we fought a lot, but now that we've been apart for six months he realizes all the petty fights we had, all the unnecessary yelling, and all. I've read all of these posts like most others, my ex says it meant nothing, his excuse is that he needed an ego boost, and that he loves me and wants to marry me.
I believe in true, stomach turning, super cheesy love. Deep true love, damsel in distress, prince charming kind of love. That is what I THOUGHT we had. Apparently not.
The reason I won't go back with him is because I cannot bring myself to be calm if he is out with his guy friends. I don't trust him. Not because of what others think of me. I don't know if I will ever trust him again.
So the answer to your question NEED HELP is if you feel that you can trust this person and he is the love of your life, run and take him back! And I mean ONLY if you are IN LOVE with him, not just love him as a friend, not enough. I am talking about the romantic drama movies love, the kind that was meant to be all along. It has been said that love conquers all. All of your family you are worried about telling and people talking, it will become old news to them. What won't change is you feeling empty inside and not sharing your life with someone you truly care about. You can let people talk all they want, as long as you know deep down you have found the only person in this world that will make you happy. Do not mistake being in love with someone for being alone or missing them.
Hope it helps! I don't think help exists for my trust issues.
Comment by Anonymous
i had the same problem.
I was with my now Ex for 1 year and a half. However, during that period things were really intense and we got really close. He helped me through my difficult times, miscarriage twice and i was there for him with his issues.
During the early stage of our relationship, something just did not feel right. He kept on talking about this Ex and how much of a B**ch she was... blah blah blah. I thought he needed time to get over her as their relationship was 7 seven years, so i let him rant.
My feelings that something was wrong got stronger, one moment we were intimate.. .he done something he never does. Anyway a couple of days later i confronted him whether he was still sleeping with his EX . He denied it and denied it and denied it.. In the end he said find the proof.
Found all the evidence i needed by his e-mail account... didn't want to do it but i looked through his phone too. Confronted him with all the evidence. He could not deny it... told me he was sorry and that it was a mistake....
I was sooo hurt. The way he had treated me, you would not have thought that there would be time for someone else, considering i was practically around him... day and night almost everyday.(i was still living with my mum - he had his own place)
After thinking things over... i took him back... He did not speak to his ex for 2-3 months... bearing in mind that this ex always had been texting him 'i love you' , 'i'm your no.1'...' can we have an open relationship...'.. 'i don't care who you see as long as i am your no.1' I had to endure this everyday, even witnessing him hanging up on her... the constant stalking... so much a strain on our relationship.
anywayy.. back to the point... when he had cut her off... and for the 2-3 months there was no contact between him and his Ex, i felt a relief... things could have never been better in our relationship...
Until recently...
he has the idea in his head that men and women can be friends. now before i got into a relationship with him i told him that i have a lot of male friends and a few female friends. He was ok with this.
Now... i was going through a stressful time at the beginning of this year and told him i needed to take a holiday. I asked him how would he feel if i went to see my male best friend in another country for a weekend.
He said he had felt uncomfortable about it but was ok for me to go... i thought everything was good. Went to book my flight tickets, finalised everything with my friend.
I was due to leave on the Friday morning, spoke to him on thursday nigtht, as partners would normally do to say see you when i get back and to give him my flight details. he said it was pointless me giving them to him.. he did not want to know and put the phone down on me... tried to call him back.. .all he said on answering is call me when you get back.
Wanted to call him so bad when i got on the plane on friday morning...
Anyway had a nice time on my holiday.... callled him after landing fat the airport... The first thing he said is 'we need to talk...' i say what about.. He starts to call me a lying cheating, manipulative b****. i asked where is all this coming from. he said he knows I was out there cheating.... I said excuse me.... i told him i went to see my good friend.. .de-stress myself...
It ended up with me going to his house straight from leaving the airport. he told me when i got to his house, that why couldn't i send him a text?, or call him?, he was sooo worried about me...
i said i did not contact you because you told me not to..i.e. call you when i get back... anyway.. on with the story...
we spoke... i laid things down on the table... completely bared my soul to him... especially when he said he spoke to people about the situation who had told him that's not right me leaving to go on holiday at short notice... We then had a truth amnesty.. .when everythimg is said, laid out on the table and then we would deal with them then and there...
anyway... i stayed that night at his house... stayed a few more nights too... we were acting like we had never just had a bit spat... Anyway.. .throughout those nights at his house, he kept on dropping there is something that i want to tell you but i don't want to tell you. i ask him what do you mean.. he siad he needs to take some dutch courage in order to tell me, whatever he was on about.
i say ok. Anyway... one night, i just could not sleep. something again did not feel right... Didn't the most untrustworthy thing and went through his phone. Found out that all the stuff these 'so called people' that were giving me advice about the situation was in fact his EX.
There was a text on his phone to say' thanks for the beautiful love you made to me... and the great afternoon they had together.. .and don't worry we can work this thing out together'....
I wake him up up 4am in the morning in rage and confront him.. .i asked him why, why could he not tell me he has slept with his Ex whilst I was on holiday especially after having that trugh amnesty...
Not only did he take advice from his Ex, but had the cheek to call me manipulative and a cheating b*****. After it was him doing the dirty on me...
he told me he though i was cheating, so he cheated. I asked him i though there was no contact with his Ex.
Did he just call her up one day and say oh lets have sex.
He told me he had not spoke to her in months, the reaons why he went round to her place was to moan about me.. he told me he was worried about me... yea right, so worried that he slipped his thing in his EX.
I asked him what happended to the truth amnesty. He said he did not want to hurt me.. .told me that he would never have told me, if i did not find out.
Very disraught by this time, smoked two cigs, packed a few of my things and left.
So question, what does one do now...?
I still love him but he has hurt me sooo bad this time. Never cheated on him once. Took him back once before... but should i forgive him once more. my mind says no but my heart says give him one more chance....
His ex is just always there. He has told her so many things to get rid of her... cheanged him number but he still ended up giving it to her.
All she does is cry and play the 'my life is a mess'... that's why i do drugs and drink card.
help!!!
need advice
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Un1267
Comment by ShouldIMove?
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
I'm no specialist in a relationship but if I see something is wrong and the person I'm with cheat on me I pack my stuff and move on. My heart been broken so many time's and all my relationship hit 6 years anniversary. My last relationship I walk into him while his having sex with my best friend. I turn around walk to the car and I never talk to him ever since. As a lady I believe that love don't hurt as much as it hurt me. I did my best pull my self together and move on. the bad part is when you ran into him 3 months later. Mix emotion is some big kaka. Now I get myself into huge situation that he turn into crazy stalker. What i don't understand why do man cheat on their women but when we gone for good they turn into stalker?? I just dont get it!! Man, damn we human we are not angels...
Comment by Anonymous
Now that im the happiest woman on earth because im finally getting married to my best friend, he tells me he cheated on me three weeks ago (acording to him, he was in the process of sleeping with someone when he realized it was wrong and couldn`t do it... still all the forplay and the idea of him with her is killing me, beacuse he didn't finished it but he started it).
I feel so lost, because i'm NOT justifying the act, but i know i haven't been giving my all to make this relationship work, i've been so into my own things i forgot to nurture my relationship... is it my fault then for not doing it? or his for not telling me he needed me?
i can't understand how i'm going to get by this, wether i leave him or make an effort to save things, either way i'm loosing... loosing the love of my life, or loosing my dignity and self-respect.
its funny to see all the comments here refer to women/men who never picture themselves in this situation. we all said it won't happen to me, and if it does, i'll end it right there... its so hard to do something like that specially when you have plans and love your significant other despite what they've done...
i don't wish this feeling to anyone in the whole world, i don't know if i'll ever get by trusting him or anyone again, it's like they ripe off a piece of your heart ... i guess i'll have to work on myself and then figure out what it is i want to do
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
It was tough at first, wondering why and how could he? But looking back I realise now that things were on rocky ground. Things got to a stage where he was very controlling and wanted to know my where-a-bouts, he even got queer if I spoke to people he didn't know! Having arguments or being drunk is NEVER an excuse to cheat! It is their own selfishness and thoughtless ways that make them do it!
HE did the dirty across me. I'd always been 100% faithful to him but in the end he just took me for granted and really didn't give a S**T!
I think the trouble is, that you're so wrapped up with somebody, you just don't see their bad points regardless of what others might say too!
I look back now and think...what was I doing with him!!!? Yes it hurt like hell to begin with and you still FEEL like you love them but give it time...it does get better.
I feel better off. I've made new friends and have just started dating a guy who treats me with respect! He's given me the will to start trusting again! Taking it nice and easy at the moment!
Soooooo glad I ditched a possessive w****r!!
Comment by Anonymous
im not trying to justify what he did, if anything, the boyfriend you are describing compares to me!! i've been possesive, controling, even constant critizicing to the point where i made him feel the smallest person on earth... and and i look back and really regret having change that much around him. i brought this on myself!! and i have to be mature enough to recognize it
Still he did wrong i know, nothing justifies what he did, but seeing what you just wrote makes me think i would have done the same to myself!
Im not saying i'll forgive him, i'm just trying to take it all in and learn the lesson.... i'll either move on on my own or try to work things out. don't know yet.
Comment by Anonymous
She doesn't show much attention in bringing up our 3.5 year old son. She excludes herself completely and lets me deal with him.
We had issues in our marriage cause my father was stabbed to death, i was going through tough times dealing with it. And because she never understands how i feel we would argue.
I was seeing this local GP(doctor) who gave me anti-anxiety/depression pills, he would listen to my problems and all i trusted him.
My wife also worked with him for the last 2 years.
One day i found out they were texting each other and that they kissed and how they love each other.
I questioned my wife about it and she denied. 2 months later i found out they were still seeing each other and that they slept on many occasions. During this affair, she was distant, easily aggravated.
Soon after the doctor dumped her telling my wife his 2 kids, wife that he doesn't love and his finance is more important.
My wife then confessed to everything, told me every detail of their affair and has told me she can only trust me and only wants to be with me.
The reason she cheated is because she didn't feel loved.
Now she wants to renew our bond and continue as if nothing happened. She says, "I've been used by the doctor".
Knowing all the details of their affair which is gut wrenching, how does one forget about it and moves on?
I keep questioning her about it, don't trust her even one bit at the moment because when i would ask her about the affair she would lie, then she would lie about the lie and finally lie about the lie that she previously lied about.
But then, cause she wrote an official statement for the medical board i found it and found out everything. Everything basically being a lie.
We own 2 houses, 2 cars and have a 3.5 year old.
Even if i wanted to separate it would be difficult splitting all and moving on.
Anyone have any thought about this one?
Comment by Anonymous
our relationship became very rocky...but that is still no excuse to cheat..especially when it is 2 days before a major milestone like that
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by goldenslumbers
These people don't realize what an insult it is to the cheatee to be cheated on and then told lie upon lie to boot. They insult your intelligence, your self-respect, your health, your trust in yourself, etc etc. People send all kinds of non-verbal messages and now I pay a lot attention to how I feel more than what they say, because seriously.. they're not going to tell the truth unless they're cornered.. and who wants to turn into a private eye or watchdog from hell? Just freakin leave.
I really don't think I've ever heard of someone who suspected their partner of cheating and turned out to be wrong. You don't need hard evidence to know - you only need it if you want to confront the cheater. Situations where there's kids involved, a marriage, lots of history are the hardest obviously. Pay attention to how you feel and trust your intuition - and get out if you feel cheating vibes. If you're in a complex situation (marriage/children) yeah that's harder to get out of, but the future is full of all kinds of horrible stresses, dishonesty and fear if you stay. Leave, and if that doesn't get the cheater to change their ways and come crawling to you with full disclosure and begging for forgiveness - f*** em. They've just proven to you that they won't change even when faced with a huge loss, so why would they change without that loss?
F*** cheaters! Let them have each other. Leave them in the dirty disgusting world they want to live in and don't let them drag you through the mud where they like to be. come back to the world where people keep their agreements and honor their word - and you.
Comment by Anonymous
by mistake i mean one time thing, maybe a drunken mistake, make a heat of the moment situation. and then after the cat was out of the bag, were they honest about it? did they try and lie at first? if you can work through a "mistake" cheating situation, and it's what is best for you, then more power to you.
but if you are with a serial cheater, get out! if they are capable of cheating of you on a repeated, premeditated basis, there is something severely wrong with THEM psychologically, and they will not change because they are incapable of it. they are in the relationship for their own selfish reasons, not for you.
i don't even know if i could consider what happened to me being cheat on. i was completely tricked into a relationship. i thought i was with the love of my life, only to find out (after being lied to my face more times than i can even count) that he had another girlfriend the entire time in addition to cheating on both of us any opportunity he could squeeze in.
some people are truly sick in the head and narcissistic psycho's with security issues. it hurt so bad i couldn't describe the feeling in words because i loved him so much, i thought he was my other half. i look back on it now and wonder how i could have overlooked it for so long, but i guess that's what love does to you - makes you blind. but moral of the story, sometimes, the situation isn't even about you, and YOU need to look out for YOU, because no one else is going to.
Comment by Anonymous
how could he..
i gave him everything...
and just because one of his friends
comes back after a long time
he thinks its okay for her to come on him
He touched her down...there.
i dont know what to do..
he is telling me he wont do it again
and i forgave him
but when i ask to speak to this girl
he says "oh.. u wuld get mad at her"
OR
"she isnt talking to me"
is he cheating again Please Help
Comment by Anonymous
i am a guy, and i have being dating for up to 2 yrs with my girlfriend..
i found out the she have been cheating with me for the duration of our relationship..
when i confronted her with this findings of mine..
she denied, yell at me and in most cases she works out of me....
then i decided, that i should spend more time with her to find out if am really wrong with my findings....
One day, i saw a chat with her girl friend suggesting that she was spending one time with one than the other....
then, they went on saying that she(her friend) saw the guy and he is very unpleased with her ...
i should her the chat and she confessed that nothing happened that maybe it would have happened.
i was still compelled to find out more on the issue so i started monitoring her ....i later confront her with the identity of the guy claiming that i know she has been sleeping with him in the duration of the relationship .. she later agreed .. saying that it happened 5 times....
i was so hurt.. but controlled my self .. until after that i saw a chat that they met few weeks ago .. who knows what happened?
so i went to do blood test and luckily for us they where no STDs in the blood..
i was very furious....i told her the relationship is off..that instead of us to keep hurting ourselves that we should better be apart and b friends, but she keeps coming back .....
what should I do?
because i dont know what to do?
Comment by Anonymous
I hope that my experience with this can help those who share the same experiences as me.
Comment by ABTEXAS
Comment by ABTEXAS
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
I waited and waited. Watched the clock tick away.
Slept to make time go quicker.
She came back and confessed to kissing a guy on the dancefloor.
I dumped her.
She pleaded and promised it meant nothing.
I told her this... The last two months before you went away was the best two months of my life. We were inseparable. I appreciate your honesty. But now your going to live with this regret for the rest of your life. Not me. I'm going to be upset for a while but Ill go to sleep knowing that I waited for you and this was not my decision. Goodbye.
It's a cruel world and you all have to realise how much you put on the line if you take back a cheater. She showed me that she had no loyalty. That she would jeopardize everything for a pash on the dancefloor.
I think I loved her too.
I know some of you say... 2 months is nothing but believe me... Letting someone go during the honeymoon period is almost vomit inducing. I've made more significant decisions with a lot more invested which were easier than this.
Such is life
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Hi everybody
I recently saw a testimony about a spell caster of some sort in a blog I visit for relationship and dating counseling problems because i had been having problems with my husband and we had been married for 10yrs and had three kids.Our marriage wasn't getting better and everything got extremely worse,he started hitting on me and the kids and was and was always drunk.We went for therapy but it would only get better for a few days and back again to the same routine,it got to a point that i had to move out and was about settling for a divorce and I just thought I should try it*maybe out of desperation of some sort*..and I contacted them..At first everything felt dreamy and unbelievable,their consultations and solution was a little bit easy and strange and I was scared a little cos I heard read and heard lots of stories of fake spell casters,scams and never really believed in magic..I played along with a little hope and and faith and I was sent some few stuffs after everything and it worked like a miracle,everything went to a while new direction,it was and is amazing....I did a little and I got everything I wanted and wished for*my husband,my family and my life back*their address is; templeoflove1@gmail.com
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
So i confronted him and he admitted it. they did stuff but they didnt have sex....she said he was asking for it but she said no. i keep asking him why and he says he cant tell me why, it meant nothing? although he did say he thought our relationship is over, but surely he should ask me that before he decides to do things with other girls??? YES he was extremely drunk but that is no excuse.
I asked if the reason during the time he did it and the time i found he was being the most perfect boyfriend... he claims its because he realised he f##ked up aand that he only ever wants to be with me!!!!
I NEED HELP, is it possible that it was just a random moment with no thought or emotion.......or will he do it again??????
PLEASE HELP its killing me!!! A Guys perspective would also be great, as guys and girls think differently!!!
Comment by Anonymous
it was always a long distance relationship.. i was 21 n she was just 17 when we met..
she moved on to a different city n started to live alone..away from her parents..used to party everyday,get drunk n shit.
in the duration of this 1 year she slept wid 3 guys,,,she broke up wid me for some oder guy n i found out about her from her friends...
i felt like a bullet had jus pierced through my heart..but i had to be strong..took it as an eye opener..realised that we often in love dedicate our lives to our partners...
IS IT FUCKING WORTH IT????
she came back..begged me to take her back..i confronted her n she accepted everything...but she could not give me a specific reason to cheat on me 5 fucking times..she said it jus happened...n i dun think dats a valid reason..it meant she wanted to do it..
CHEATERS are SELFISH...dey want everthing..dey want the fun and the emotional stability..which is not possible..dey fail to understand that..they know its wrong but they dont pay attention to their conscience...
TO THE GIRL WHO POSTED BEFORE ME.:
will u ever be able to forgive him?
will ur mind not move to that girl whom he slept wid while u r making love to him?
will u ever trust him?
we have to just let it go for our better futures..its not worth dragging a relationship when u have lost respect and trust on the opposite person..
even if he doesnt cheat the next time but there will always be a constant fear that is he doing it again..even if his enemy comes and tells u that he cheated on u u wud believe him rather than ur bf...
LET IT GO..its jus not meant to be..
Comment by Nimcompoopy
Comment by Anonymous
I remember seeing him really angry once and it frightened the hell out of me! I havent seen him like that ever again, because when something hurtful happens to him, im always trying to calm him down and it works because he listens to me.
Anyhow, we have had such great times and i am a little bit insecure and so is he, however it wasnt until last week that he told me he had slept with his ex 3 months into our relationship whilst i was on holiday. It really messed me up.
Ive always said to myself, if anyone cheated on me, i would break up with them straight. And this is one of the reasons why he didnt want to tell me, because he knew i would split up with him. He deserves anything he gets.
Thing is, i like to be a strong woman, because my mum and dad got divorced over an affair which completely messed me up and ever since then ive always tried to be "the boss" of the relationship. Harsh i know, but i cant let people walk all over me.
I made him beg for me, i made him sorry, i made him cry. And he deserved every little bit of it! I honestly didnt know what to do at the time because i was just so shocked, but the thing is, deep down i know that i can get over it, because it was so early on in the relationship and everything would be fine if i didnt know. I did trust him after he changed.
I know he wouldnt do it again because i know how much he loves me. He would do absolutely anything for me! And this is why i can find it easy to forgive him. not that i will let him get away with that easy. People say "once a cheater, always a cheater" but you can never really put a judgement on this until it happens to you.
Cheating is the worst thing in the world and i am so hurt and disappointed in what he has done. I have shared everything with this man and he did that to me- BUT he did it before we were properly close...
Anyway, i said to him that we should take a break until i think you have done enough to prove you are sorry and to prove you really want me, otherwise bye bye! 2 days later he came round without me knowing- i was in the shower, and once i came out, he was stood there with an expensive looking bunch of beautiful flowers and 4 tubs of ben jerrys. He also had a massive piece of paper on a string tied round his neck saying "Im sorry, i was immature and stupid and i promise i will never do it again because I love you so much" with an arrow pointing at him saying "stupid t**t"
he wore this the whole night, as humiliatin as it must have been for him! But then he deserved it.
The thing is, i think people can do this wrong. For example, i accepted him back and said i wanted to put it behind us and look for our future, however if we ever had a little row, i would always bring it up to make him feel guilty. But he has felt guilty for the last year and 4 months, he knows what he did wrong and he has learnt his lesson.
However to all you women out there that has been cheated on:
Everyone deserves a second chance, if he can prove to you that he really, and i mean REALLY wants you back then maybe its worth having a look at?
Scare him a bit too.. stop talking to him for a bit, get on with your life. Show him you can be happy without him but also make sure you dont distance yourself too much..
At the end of the day, its all about how YOU feel about your partner. Think of it before you found out... were you happy with him/her? If so then try to make it work from how it was... it really depends on how many times they cheated, when they did it and why.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
I have cheated on my gf more than twice. Such as cyber related and sexually. It happened to me wheniwas drunkand blacked out. Twice I was blacked out, and the other two were cyber related. And now this guilt in me is so over whelming it hurts me. I just want to kill myself for what i have done because I have ever cheated on my other exs and I really wish I cheated on the previous ones instead of this girl. God... I reallly hate myself for what I have done. I want to tell her next time I see her. Because I dont want to lie my way into her heart and pretend everything isokay. I fucking hate my life right now. Why? Because of what I did was soo wrong. I want to tell the truth. Because to me she is worth the truth. You know I heard this song called where is the love. And part of it says... "if unever know truth then you never know love." we haven't said "I love you" yet. And I want to tell her because want to love her. Booze can really do things you never ever wanted to do inthe first place. I really love this girl I can feel it. I'm just hoping shed find deeeep very deep Dow inner heart to forgive me... I want to tell her the truth.. And I want to love her. I fucked up sooo bad we started dating saw each spent time over the weekend. I go away for a month and a half. Before I went to work out in the woods for 2 weeks.. And this happened prior to the work iwas doing. within the twoweek period I happened to go on a binge drinking. And blacked out twice within those 2 weeks. And then I saw her after my work out in the woods. Then I started to flirtwithother girls online recently. And I want to stop what I'm doing. I have stopped. But nowiwanttotell her what have done and I fucked up sooo bad. When I cheated on her before I saw her. We werentreally serious into the relationship. Just started off. Then when saw her things started to kick off from there. Everytime I'm with her. I seem to forget the things ihave done. Like she takes my worries and troubles away. I really do want to tell her but at the same time Im afraid to do so... like will she forgive me for being honest and having the courage to tell the truth to her? Or willshejust dump meand move on? I really hope she forgives me and accept that i am not perfect but a human being. Then again. I fucked up and it's my fault. ICANN absolutely promise her that iwould not put herinthis situation again because I can guaran fuckintee that it will not happen again because have learned booze really fucks you up. And that i cut down and not to over drink again! I just pray that she forgives me. She is who i want to be with from till death.Only time will tell I guess... Fuck my life. (please no hate comments...)
Comment by Confused Lady
No hate comment from me....
I can imagine you think your situation is the worse but believe me when I say it is far from that...
I have been looking at this blog looking for answers since May.... (but never commented before) when I came home from work and my life fell apart... walking in the house I share with my 3.5 year boyfriend... the look of shear deverstation.... and all I could think of was the cat getting run over...
I ask whats wrong and he falls apart... he has never been one for emotion but then I was so happy I thought he was too... then I find out that around a year ago today he slept with this girl... I knew her and as I trusted my boyfriend I had no reason for her not to visit him when I was out one evening... I am probably too trustworthy but I will never change...
Anyway my body starts to feel numb when... then he announces she is pregnant.... yeah that was the real bombshell....who gets pregnant from having sex once right? and who was apparently on the pill???
So much for "sisterhood" ay?
Seeing the scan on facebook was a real stab in the heart - especially with everyone congratulating her.....
I have stuck by him and some days I feel such a fool... but love can be a real b*tch to say the least....
Little boy was born in August and yesterday I found the paternity test results and to be honest seeing it in black and white really hits it home and last night I cried so much....I have spent six months feeling like this and I am not sure if I really can live with this... I have only told one close friend at work... yet she has her family and has even told a girl we both know for support (which I also found out yesterday)....and so the £200 a month payments begin....
Its sad as he is a much better person now but may be it is too late for us. Maybe I am totally crazy - I never thought I would still be here if someone had told me this situation... but here I am.... people say I am strong but I feel so weak for not being able to walk away... I really thought we would be getting married soon (I am 29!) and thinking about a family of our own... and now a child was conceived in our house but not with me! I cant put too many details down as crying at work is not really an option... My eyes have been stinging all morning... I just want to know what to do.... We are going away this weekend and I think by the year we will either move on together or go our seperate ways....
I hope your girlfriend is understanding (at least you were drunk which is more than I can say for my sorry ass of a boyfriend)! I just want you to believe you can get through this... sit her down and show her you care... if you can give her a real reason as to why it happened... maybe your insecure or scared.... it will help as answer to questions give closure.... Drink never solves anything....
Good Luck.... :0)
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Confused Lady
Ask him to stop or.... get one of these pics and put it on a web page making fun or it... making sure he doesnt know it is you,,, then he may think twice about doing it again!!!
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
My Name is JOHN.I will love to share my testimony to all the people in the forum cos i never thought i will have my girlfriend back and she means so much to me..The girl i want to get marry to left me 4 weeks to our weeding for another man..,When i called her she never picked my calls,She deleted me on her facebook and she changed her facebook status from married to Single...when i went to her to her place of work she told her boss she never want to see me..i lost my job as a result of this cos i cant get myself anymore,my life was upside down and everything did not go smooth with my life...I tried all i could do to have her back to all did not work out until i met a Man when i Travel to Africa to execute some business have been developing some years back..I told him my problem and all have passed through in getting her back and how i lost my job...he told me he gonna help me...i don't believe that in the first place.but he swore he will help me out and he told me the reason why my girlfriend left me and also told me some hidden secrets.i was amazed when i heard that from him..he said he will cast a spell for me and i will see the results in the next couple of days..then i travel back to US the following day and i called him when i got home and he said he's busy casting those spells and he has bought all the materials needed for the spells,he said am gonna see positive results in the next 2 days that is Thursday...My girlfriend called me at exactly 12:35pm on Thursday and apologies for all she had done ..she said,she never knew what she's doing and her sudden behavior was not intentional and she promised not to do that again.it was like am dreaming when i heard that from her and when we ended the call,i called the man and told him my wife called and he said i haven't seen anything yet... he said i will also get my job back in 3 days time..and when its Sunday,they called me at my place of work that i should resume working on Monday and they gonna compensate me for the time limit have spent at home without working..My life is back into shape,i have my girlfriend back and we are happily married now with kids and i have my job back too.This man is really powerful..if we have up to 20 people like him in the world,the world would have been a better place..he has also helped many of my friends to solve many problems and they are all happy now..Am posting this to the forum for anybody that is interested in meeting the man for help.you can mail him to templeoflove1@gmail.com i cant give out his number cos he told me he don't want to be disturbed by many people across the world..he said his email is okay and he' will replied to any emails asap..hope he helped u out too..good luck
Comment by Anonymous
There was this girl who he has told me about a few months ago when he was out with his friends. He told me she asked for his phone number. He gave it to her with the intention of being friends and he thought it was ok, given the fact that she apparently had a boyfriend at the time and they were introduced through mutual friends.
A few months down the track and she is still contacting him to go out and seemed to always be there whenever he was out with his friends. he told me every-time he bumped into her and how much she annoyed him.
He told me hey were just friends so I thought nothing of it. Then I find out he thinks she has sex appeal but when I queried him, he tells me she wasn't good looking but in fact looked more like a prostitute. Regardless, the alarm bells were there. Then when i got upset about her still calling and messaging him, I told him to cut if off and he did for a few months.
Then, when I went overseas, I find out she was again, out with them. I was upset but I still trusted him at that point to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Upon my return, he told me he had tested positive to a STI. I was so upset i asked him straight out whether he had slept with anyone when I was overseas and he denied it. I thought it might have been me who still had an STI from a prev relationship as I never went back to get the results. I got the results and it was negative. I told him and then he told me he did not have an STI after and it was nothing.
Ever since then, I have been suspicious of him. My gut feel was he had cheated on me with her, but didn't have any proof. Anyway he changed over that period of time. He turned out to be a sweet and caring boyfriend to me, always spending time with me and he stopped going out with his friends and put me first. Our relationship was the best it had ever been. There were times when I was so happy to be around him. However there were times when I picked up there was something wrong. (e.g when I'm smiling at him he looks at me with sadness and hint of guilt). He told me he was just tired so I let it pass. He told me he loved me and missed me everyday.
The Present
Then, recently, I lost my phone whilst out one night and he let me borrow his phone to make some calls to try and track my phone down. Whilst I was on his phone, I realized this was a chance to confirm my suspicions so I checked his messages. I found messages from her telling him she might have been pregnant. He told her in his reply she should have taken the morning after pill.
Upon seeing that message, I went into shock. I drove him to work right after and he knew something was wrong. i told him I felt sick and just needed to go home. At that point I couldn't believe what I had just found out.
I remained out of contact for the entire day and did not pick him up from work. I was in shock and crying the entire day and night. After he tried to contact through countless messages and calls, he finally sent me an angry text telling me to pick up the phone.
I messaged him and asked how many times he slept with that girl. I told him he made me sick and he was a liar and a cheat. I told him never to speak to me again. I was heartbroken and still am even today.
That entire weekend I was so hurt and angry and BROKEN. I still haven't been able to sleep and eat properly. I never knew I could experience such extreme feelings of hurt, sadness, anger, disappointment, shame before, and I especially did not know they can come combined, or came one after the other. I felt out of control of my emotions and could not sleep or eat. I feel as though my heart has disappeared.
He tells me he is sorry every day for what he did and it was a mistake because he was drunk and she pressured him when he was in that state and lonely. He honestly thought they were friends and had no bad intentions. He is regretful and wishes he could take it all back. He seemed truly regretful and swears it was just a drunken mistake. He told me everything when I asked him and was open when I asked him. He told me he did not want to risk losing me and he loved me. He decided to cancel his overseas holiday to he spend time with me, in an effort to prove that he wants to work on our relationship and loves me.
I will still angry and kept putting emotional abuse on him, calling him names, putting him down, telling him he "deserves to be with disease carrying trash like her". After my countless abuse at what he did, he told me he can't keep trying if I don't make an effort. He got angry and told it's not worth fighting for if I can't stop bring this other incident up. I was so angry I was about to launch into another tirade of of emotional abuse on him until I heard his sobbing. He broke down crying and walked out. In an instant my anger went and I felt pain of losing him. I ran out after him and told him not to go. That's when I realised I still loved him, despite everything he did!
How is this possible? I couldn't believe ME, the one person who had previously, and with absolute certainty, believed there was no 2nd chances when it comes to cheating.
I never thought i would be the one to take back a cheater but a lot of people commenting in this forum is right. You can never know what is is like until it happens to you.
My head and my pride tells me I should leave him and to move on. I feel like a fool for staying. But at the same time, my heart and my gut tells me to stay - because he is truly sorry and I know deep down he still loves me.
The other girl has been out of the picture for more than a month now and he has told me he hates her. I taunt him all the time about her and I can't hold back my anger and sarcasm. I find myself bursting into tears all the time, and I cannot stop thinking about the two of them together.
I am so disappointed in my bf for stooping that low and giving into her advances. She knew the entire time he had a gf, in fact he told her right in front of me when she called him. I am angry i want her to suffer. I want to track down this girl and tell her to her face that she is worth nothing. I want to ask her parents how they could have raised such a low life girl with no morals.
I sometimes still want him to suffer. He has a weak character and I hate that side of him.
I am not normally this angry and vengeful. I don't know what I am going to do to get over this but I do know for a fact at the end of the day, he still loves me and I still love him.
I never thought it was possible to feel such hatred and love for a person at the same time.. I am still battling everything...
The Future
I know I will never be able to 100% trust him again.
I know I will one day be able to forgive, but i will NEVER forget.
I know if I follow my gut and heart, and it turns out to be wrong and he cheats again, that I would be able to walk away with my head held high and with absolute solid 100% surety this time I am doing the right thing - by my head, my heart, my gut.
Like the say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Dearest Dr(gbocotemple@yahoo.com), Just a little note of sincere thanks. You assigned your gods to my case,for my protection I was welcome to confirm your assingment to my case and so that is what I am doing. But I have already begun my spell work,and I am so thrilled,so excited,I just wanted to tell you,how so very beautiful the whole experience is. I will follow Dr.Gboco recommendations fully ordering each he has recommended. This is a first for me,and I cant tell you what a wonderful experience it is for me,so very beautiful,and I can feel the power of the Gboco shrine the power of it all,and it is awesome. I want to tell you all the details,but also remember the secrecy you mention as well so I will refrain from doing so. Thank you Dr.Gboco from my whole heart
Comment by Anonymous
I was dating a girl for about 2 years now, and recently broke up with her... I admit, I had cheated on her while we were together as a couple, and I know it was probably wrong of me, I've been through that mistake... but for the great part of the ending months of the relationship, I've wanted to get in touch with my now EX and tell her how I was feeling, wanting to feel loved, and needing support because I'm going through a rough time, but the responses I got were either that she seemed to not care about how I felt, or I didn't get a response at all... so I pretty much tried to find the love I needed elsewhere... then the break up came and she flat out told me that she never really cared for anybody else's feelings, with no form of a "but" to exclude myself... and that the only reasons she contacted me was because I existed and she thought I could provide her with intellectual conversation more than the love I twisted myself into pretzels showering her with... since it's been proven that there was really no love there... was it truly wrong of me to do what I did?
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous