Sharon Tohcan you forgive a cheater?
August 2nd 2006 11:09
Like they say, once a cheater - always a cheater. However I don't quite agree on this.. I believe that people can settle down into a serious relationship with someone who they will love and remain faithful to for the rest of their lives.
Okay get this, someone will only stay with you when they know they can't do any better....well, along with the fact that they love you.. then again, we're all made to be able to love more than once in our lives.. i believe that it is like that much more common before marriage.. people tend to want to be 100% sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives with the person whom they choose to marry.. some people change after marriage and their partner realises that they don't want to be with them anymore.. perhaps they don't feel they can adjust? the scenario really does depend on the person. I believe, as hard as it is to accept, that we as human beings, are selfish.
From a female perspective, we know that the majority of the male population womanise to some extent.. perhaps the reason why men cheat is to engage in new experiences, take in all that life has to offer before settling down into a much more serious relationship. Thats what I believe. That makes it easier for me to accept cheating.
But down to the very bottom, is cheating forgivable if your partner confesses and realises their fault? If you forgave them, would that temporarily make them grateful to have you back, but in the long run would they become unappreciative of you?
Or should you, as a selfish human being, want to find a better person.. and relinquish all love and memories you had with them.
If they realised their faults and want you back, I think this is what you should do:
1. re-assess your relationship with them: How long have you known them for? Was there any indication that they were cheating while they were with you and what were the signs? Take note of any memories, did they treat you properly, etc. Don't think about how much you love them, emotion overrides intellect. You can't think smart when you're emotionally involved.
If you can't let them go, move onto step 2.
2. interrogate them. Ask them why they did that - was it looks, personality, was it something you did wrong? If they don't give you a valid answer and tell you that they didn't know why - they're not being completely honest with you.. They weren't honest with you before, you give them a chance to admit their wrongs and fix everything up.. if they can't be honest with you now (post-cheating) then they will never ever be honest with you. Don't give in to them telling you that they love you, dismiss all that talk.. If they really loved you, they would never have done such a thing in the first place. What you really need now is honesty.
If they were honest with you and you accepted their reason, then move onto step 3.
3. Come up with a plan - the both of you, to improve your relationship. Compromise. Communicate. Why was there a dent, why did they feel the need to be with someone else, why weren't they satisfied with you?
If you or your partner can't be bothered, then forget the relationship being long-term. If it is something about you that you cannot really change (eg.you don't make enough money, or they don't like your parents) Move onto step 4.
4. Give it some time. Once realising your faults (if reasonable), tell them you need time to sort things through, to get over the situation, because you really do.. You need them to see your worth, also you need time to yourself to think hard about whether you really do want this relationship.
5. Forgive them.
I guess forgiving them is fine.. think more than twice to make sure you won't regret anything..
If they cheat on you again after having been through this, don't think about being with them again. I think having once been through this is much more than enough.
Okay get this, someone will only stay with you when they know they can't do any better....well, along with the fact that they love you.. then again, we're all made to be able to love more than once in our lives.. i believe that it is like that much more common before marriage.. people tend to want to be 100% sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives with the person whom they choose to marry.. some people change after marriage and their partner realises that they don't want to be with them anymore.. perhaps they don't feel they can adjust? the scenario really does depend on the person. I believe, as hard as it is to accept, that we as human beings, are selfish.
From a female perspective, we know that the majority of the male population womanise to some extent.. perhaps the reason why men cheat is to engage in new experiences, take in all that life has to offer before settling down into a much more serious relationship. Thats what I believe. That makes it easier for me to accept cheating.
But down to the very bottom, is cheating forgivable if your partner confesses and realises their fault? If you forgave them, would that temporarily make them grateful to have you back, but in the long run would they become unappreciative of you?
Or should you, as a selfish human being, want to find a better person.. and relinquish all love and memories you had with them.
If they realised their faults and want you back, I think this is what you should do:
1. re-assess your relationship with them: How long have you known them for? Was there any indication that they were cheating while they were with you and what were the signs? Take note of any memories, did they treat you properly, etc. Don't think about how much you love them, emotion overrides intellect. You can't think smart when you're emotionally involved.
If you can't let them go, move onto step 2.
2. interrogate them. Ask them why they did that - was it looks, personality, was it something you did wrong? If they don't give you a valid answer and tell you that they didn't know why - they're not being completely honest with you.. They weren't honest with you before, you give them a chance to admit their wrongs and fix everything up.. if they can't be honest with you now (post-cheating) then they will never ever be honest with you. Don't give in to them telling you that they love you, dismiss all that talk.. If they really loved you, they would never have done such a thing in the first place. What you really need now is honesty.
If they were honest with you and you accepted their reason, then move onto step 3.
3. Come up with a plan - the both of you, to improve your relationship. Compromise. Communicate. Why was there a dent, why did they feel the need to be with someone else, why weren't they satisfied with you?
If you or your partner can't be bothered, then forget the relationship being long-term. If it is something about you that you cannot really change (eg.you don't make enough money, or they don't like your parents) Move onto step 4.
4. Give it some time. Once realising your faults (if reasonable), tell them you need time to sort things through, to get over the situation, because you really do.. You need them to see your worth, also you need time to yourself to think hard about whether you really do want this relationship.
5. Forgive them.
I guess forgiving them is fine.. think more than twice to make sure you won't regret anything..
If they cheat on you again after having been through this, don't think about being with them again. I think having once been through this is much more than enough.
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Comment by Heej
Dota Stars
Anyways, apparently men being the donor and women being the carrier when it comes to conception, we want to donor as much as possible, cause from an evolutionary point of view, that's the best way to ensure that our genes survive and are passed on. The more the better... But from a female point of view since they'll be carrying the young for 9 months and will have the predominant role in nurturing it (in evolutionary terms of course, both parents should equally be responsible in this day and age), they will be happy to stick to a good specimen once they find one...
Well I guess that doesn't really relate to much these days. But if there are statistics on cheating and men do cheat more, I guess that could be one complex explanation... I guess certainly the stereotypical view is that men do cheat more, and shame on all those that do...
I think it might have something to do with wanting control and power in a relationship as well, like I can go out and do what I want cause I'm more dominant, type thing...
I think all guys that wanna cheat should take some tissue, go to the bathroom and relieve themselves... cause they'll feel exactly the same as after they've committed the felony~
Heh... hope that doesn't make it sound like I have experience... It's just the logical conclusion I came to... Actually I thought of it cause my dad's a cheater and there's this crazy stereotype in my culture that if the dad cheats the son will cheat also... So I had to come up with a preventative measure incase that view was remotely true~ heh
Comment by mmg
DRUNKENESS is not an excuse for cheating- no matter how drunk you are, you will never forget whom it is you love. cheating (and possibly breaking someone's heart along with the act) is always in our control, so if you really care about someone, it would not happen!
p.s.HEEJ----> huh? men wank in the bathrooms? that is ..... disgusting!
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
The first month, a one time fling with some woman in vegas? He wanted to feel like a stud I
suppose, how selfish can you be! Completly disregarding me and screwing someone else just for the fun of it, not to mention lying about it for 7 months.
To be honest I never thought I'd be the type of woman to take a cheater back.I thought those women were weak or simply couldn't do any better. My claim was always 'You hit me or cheat on me it'll be the last time you ever see me'. But, when you're faced with that kind of betrayl you know in your gut if its worth saving or not- and not until, and for me in this circumstance it is. BUT forgiving and forgetting are not mutually inclusive. There is always a 'but' isn't there?
It's an uphill battle everyday to not dwell in it, to not try an picture it, picture her, them. I was never suspicious before, now I'm ever doubtful and questioning. Its this nagging thought in the back of mind whenever I'm not with him. It's not my nature, but I can't help it.
But the truth is I can't hound him, stalk him, check his cellphone or drive by his house at all hours of the day and night, its too exhausting and I have a life of my own besides. I don't trust him, not yet, but given some time I'll let him earn it back- because he's shown that he really wants to. BUT, there it is again, I can't harbor this grudge anymore, it'll only cause me more pain. I won't make any more snide comments and I have to stop planning a rebuttle affair. I'm just going to take it day by day and focus on all the reason I want to be with him, not on all the ways he's hurt me. I'm just going to move on with my life.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous
at the time things were rocky and she had just found out that i was getting mentally close to one of my friends although nothing happened. she then admitted after 1 year to kissing this guy which totally lost all my trust and i was devestated as little as a kiss can be.
however last night i found out that she had actualy had sex with the guy which i suspected nd fully belived ll along. but i guess when your in a relationship no matteer how many times you ask your partner t tell the truth deep inside u would rther than they keep the secret and lie as the truth can be gut wrenching.
i always thought in our relationship if anyone would ruin it and cheat it would be me- being a guy who spends a lotof time around women but somehow i managed to stray away from these sexual temptations which makes it al the more sickening to find out that my partner couldnt
now she is totally heart broken and has had to live with the guilt for over a year. should i take her back as we have plans to move in together and already have 5 start holiday booked and i know we are right for eachother or does my self respect mean more to me than any women ever could. i guess thats what prevents you from getting back with your partner in the end, the fact that it is u who loses the respect for urself, the sickness n ur stomach that u just can rid of, a mixture of shame, anger and embarressment. But i guess it is the embarressment that that hits you the most, knowing that people will look at you and think your soft or pathetic for taking a loved one bak after such cruel deeds, rather than your partner being humiliated and feeling shame for the actions it is u who feels embarressed and shame over the act as being cheated on can destroy a life, and future plans in only a sentence
please let me know your comments on this matter and i am happy to exhange me views if anyone has similar problems
Comment by Anonymous
so becazuse there was no hard evidence i chose to believe that he didnt do it.but now i am finding it really hard to get over this ordeal and everytime he goes out with his mates i find that i am worring bout weahter or not he is seeing another girl. i really want to forgive him and stop thinking about it but i just dont know how to. if anyone has any advice please tell me.
Comment by Anonymous
i was seeing this guy in january..it was nothing serious, kind of just talking about dating. But not exactly. Anyways, i went over seas and we talked and texted sometimes nothing major, i didnt really want to date him because before me he dated a girl for 3 years and it intimidated me. anyways on newyears i called him and said yeah ill date you, but then i saw on his facebook page she was writing to him, so i broke up with him and said not to call me or try another relationship until they were done. Anyways, i got back from my holiday, and i found out they had slept together but whatever we werent really anything.
sooo time passes and me and him get incredibly close, like in love, hanging out all the time...
and he promised me he would never talk to her again, had to desire...never loved her as much as he loved me blah blah...
anyways...
lets go back a couple years.
at 20 his mother just randomly got up and left.
he was a big mommas boy...and all of a sudden one day she just left.( this will be important in a second)
so whatever we go on for months being happy and rocky and whatever else. he would always say he was so lucky, and people would always coment and say 'why are you dating him'? without being concided or snotty, i am quite better looking then he is...
anyways.
he cheated on me again last week, two diffrent times.
he drove 1 in a half hours to see his ex gf, and they ended up sleeping together. Then when she cameback to her hometown ( where he lives also) she came over, he told her to leave, and she did, but then she came back.
anyways..
they ended up sleeping together and he never told me, i found out from one of his friends. mind you he said he was going to but it was only 1 week and he was trying to tell me, but felt to sick.. and wanted to work up the guts.
anyways...i was pretty much like i cant believe you did this to us, that was the one thing i was most scared of...and he said he couldnt believe he did this to us.
and that he was grossed out, he felt like he knew it was wrong but kept doing it...
anyways he wants to make it work, but im being really cautious...
he went to a counciller because he was so upset with himself and didnt understand why he did it because he doesnt like her, and is so inlove with me...
the physciatrist said he did it because he was so worried that i was going to leave him (throughout the relationship he would say please never leave me) anyways she said he has abbandonment issues because of his mother just randomly leaving. Also, he put me on a pedestal, and never felt good enough for me. Anyways...so he cheated straight up...hes written me a letter saying he wants to marry me so much, and wants to start a new chapter and loves me more then anyone in his entire life...wants to see the counciller together, and start going to church.
he says he wont drink unless im around, and is sending me flowers at work, and cries alot.
he doesnt want me to take him back right now, he said he wants to make himself a better person...for him and for us.
sooo my question
when do you forgive and when do you forget??
Comment by Anonymous
Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do with him yet but this situation has made me think quite a bit about cheating and forgiving. What I want to say to those who have never been in the situation, either as the cheater or the hurt partner, is that you truly cannot imagine what it feels like unless it happens to you.
I honestly believe that if you really love someone, if you believe in the person and the relationship, forgiveness is really the only option. It is my opinion that letting go of someone you love because of their indiscretions is not brave at all. It is cowardice because you are afraid to love and trust again. In the end, only you can make the decision and I urge you to follow your heart, not your head, for once, if only once.
Comment by Anonymous
Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do with him yet but this situation has made me think quite a bit about cheating and forgiving. What I want to say to those who have never been in the situation, either as the cheater or the hurt partner, is that you truly cannot imagine what it feels like unless it happens to you.
I honestly believe that if you really love someone, if you believe in the person and the relationship, forgiveness is really the only option. It is my opinion that letting go of someone you love because of their indiscretions is not brave at all. It is cowardice because you are afraid to love and trust again. In the end, only you can make the decision and I urge you to follow your heart, not your head, for once, if only once.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by NEED HELP!
Comment by Doubtful
I am in similar shoes, my how these men break beautiful woman's hearts. I am a dreamer, hopelessly romantic. My ex, has not admitted to cheating, although admitted to flirting, but there has been rumors he did cheat. I am torn because I love him, we fought a lot, but now that we've been apart for six months he realizes all the petty fights we had, all the unnecessary yelling, and all. I've read all of these posts like most others, my ex says it meant nothing, his excuse is that he needed an ego boost, and that he loves me and wants to marry me.
I believe in true, stomach turning, super cheesy love. Deep true love, damsel in distress, prince charming kind of love. That is what I THOUGHT we had. Apparently not.
The reason I won't go back with him is because I cannot bring myself to be calm if he is out with his guy friends. I don't trust him. Not because of what others think of me. I don't know if I will ever trust him again.
So the answer to your question NEED HELP is if you feel that you can trust this person and he is the love of your life, run and take him back! And I mean ONLY if you are IN LOVE with him, not just love him as a friend, not enough. I am talking about the romantic drama movies love, the kind that was meant to be all along. It has been said that love conquers all. All of your family you are worried about telling and people talking, it will become old news to them. What won't change is you feeling empty inside and not sharing your life with someone you truly care about. You can let people talk all they want, as long as you know deep down you have found the only person in this world that will make you happy. Do not mistake being in love with someone for being alone or missing them.
Hope it helps! I don't think help exists for my trust issues.
Comment by Anonymous
i had the same problem.
I was with my now Ex for 1 year and a half. However, during that period things were really intense and we got really close. He helped me through my difficult times, miscarriage twice and i was there for him with his issues.
During the early stage of our relationship, something just did not feel right. He kept on talking about this Ex and how much of a B**ch she was... blah blah blah. I thought he needed time to get over her as their relationship was 7 seven years, so i let him rant.
My feelings that something was wrong got stronger, one moment we were intimate.. .he done something he never does. Anyway a couple of days later i confronted him whether he was still sleeping with his EX . He denied it and denied it and denied it.. In the end he said find the proof.
Found all the evidence i needed by his e-mail account... didn't want to do it but i looked through his phone too. Confronted him with all the evidence. He could not deny it... told me he was sorry and that it was a mistake....
I was sooo hurt. The way he had treated me, you would not have thought that there would be time for someone else, considering i was practically around him... day and night almost everyday.(i was still living with my mum - he had his own place)
After thinking things over... i took him back... He did not speak to his ex for 2-3 months... bearing in mind that this ex always had been texting him 'i love you' , 'i'm your no.1'...' can we have an open relationship...'.. 'i don't care who you see as long as i am your no.1' I had to endure this everyday, even witnessing him hanging up on her... the constant stalking... so much a strain on our relationship.
anywayy.. back to the point... when he had cut her off... and for the 2-3 months there was no contact between him and his Ex, i felt a relief... things could have never been better in our relationship...
Until recently...
he has the idea in his head that men and women can be friends. now before i got into a relationship with him i told him that i have a lot of male friends and a few female friends. He was ok with this.
Now... i was going through a stressful time at the beginning of this year and told him i needed to take a holiday. I asked him how would he feel if i went to see my male best friend in another country for a weekend.
He said he had felt uncomfortable about it but was ok for me to go... i thought everything was good. Went to book my flight tickets, finalised everything with my friend.
I was due to leave on the Friday morning, spoke to him on thursday nigtht, as partners would normally do to say see you when i get back and to give him my flight details. he said it was pointless me giving them to him.. he did not want to know and put the phone down on me... tried to call him back.. .all he said on answering is call me when you get back.
Wanted to call him so bad when i got on the plane on friday morning...
Anyway had a nice time on my holiday.... callled him after landing fat the airport... The first thing he said is 'we need to talk...' i say what about.. He starts to call me a lying cheating, manipulative b****. i asked where is all this coming from. he said he knows I was out there cheating.... I said excuse me.... i told him i went to see my good friend.. .de-stress myself...
It ended up with me going to his house straight from leaving the airport. he told me when i got to his house, that why couldn't i send him a text?, or call him?, he was sooo worried about me...
i said i did not contact you because you told me not to..i.e. call you when i get back... anyway.. on with the story...
we spoke... i laid things down on the table... completely bared my soul to him... especially when he said he spoke to people about the situation who had told him that's not right me leaving to go on holiday at short notice... We then had a truth amnesty.. .when everythimg is said, laid out on the table and then we would deal with them then and there...
anyway... i stayed that night at his house... stayed a few more nights too... we were acting like we had never just had a bit spat... Anyway.. .throughout those nights at his house, he kept on dropping there is something that i want to tell you but i don't want to tell you. i ask him what do you mean.. he siad he needs to take some dutch courage in order to tell me, whatever he was on about.
i say ok. Anyway... one night, i just could not sleep. something again did not feel right... Didn't the most untrustworthy thing and went through his phone. Found out that all the stuff these 'so called people' that were giving me advice about the situation was in fact his EX.
There was a text on his phone to say' thanks for the beautiful love you made to me... and the great afternoon they had together.. .and don't worry we can work this thing out together'....
I wake him up up 4am in the morning in rage and confront him.. .i asked him why, why could he not tell me he has slept with his Ex whilst I was on holiday especially after having that trugh amnesty...
Not only did he take advice from his Ex, but had the cheek to call me manipulative and a cheating b*****. After it was him doing the dirty on me...
he told me he though i was cheating, so he cheated. I asked him i though there was no contact with his Ex.
Did he just call her up one day and say oh lets have sex.
He told me he had not spoke to her in months, the reaons why he went round to her place was to moan about me.. he told me he was worried about me... yea right, so worried that he slipped his thing in his EX.
I asked him what happended to the truth amnesty. He said he did not want to hurt me.. .told me that he would never have told me, if i did not find out.
Very disraught by this time, smoked two cigs, packed a few of my things and left.
So question, what does one do now...?
I still love him but he has hurt me sooo bad this time. Never cheated on him once. Took him back once before... but should i forgive him once more. my mind says no but my heart says give him one more chance....
His ex is just always there. He has told her so many things to get rid of her... cheanged him number but he still ended up giving it to her.
All she does is cry and play the 'my life is a mess'... that's why i do drugs and drink card.
help!!!
need advice
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Anonymous