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Memoirs of a Girlfriend - by Sharon Toh

 
You can't change what's been written, but you can always write something new.

can you forgive a cheater?

August 2nd 2006 11:09
Like they say, once a cheater - always a cheater. However I don't quite agree on this.. I believe that people can settle down into a serious relationship with someone who they will love and remain faithful to for the rest of their lives.

Okay get this, someone will only stay with you when they know they can't do any better....well, along with the fact that they love you.. then again, we're all made to be able to love more than once in our lives.. i believe that it is like that much more common before marriage.. people tend to want to be 100% sure that they want to spend the rest of their lives with the person whom they choose to marry.. some people change after marriage and their partner realises that they don't want to be with them anymore.. perhaps they don't feel they can adjust? the scenario really does depend on the person. I believe, as hard as it is to accept, that we as human beings, are selfish.


From a female perspective, we know that the majority of the male population womanise to some extent.. perhaps the reason why men cheat is to engage in new experiences, take in all that life has to offer before settling down into a much more serious relationship. Thats what I believe. That makes it easier for me to accept cheating.

But down to the very bottom, is cheating forgivable if your partner confesses and realises their fault? If you forgave them, would that temporarily make them grateful to have you back, but in the long run would they become unappreciative of you?

Or should you, as a selfish human being, want to find a better person.. and relinquish all love and memories you had with them.

If they realised their faults and want you back, I think this is what you should do:

1. re-assess your relationship with them: How long have you known them for? Was there any indication that they were cheating while they were with you and what were the signs? Take note of any memories, did they treat you properly, etc. Don't think about how much you love them, emotion overrides intellect. You can't think smart when you're emotionally involved.


If you can't let them go, move onto step 2.

2. interrogate them. Ask them why they did that - was it looks, personality, was it something you did wrong? If they don't give you a valid answer and tell you that they didn't know why - they're not being completely honest with you.. They weren't honest with you before, you give them a chance to admit their wrongs and fix everything up.. if they can't be honest with you now (post-cheating) then they will never ever be honest with you. Don't give in to them telling you that they love you, dismiss all that talk.. If they really loved you, they would never have done such a thing in the first place. What you really need now is honesty.

If they were honest with you and you accepted their reason, then move onto step 3.

3. Come up with a plan - the both of you, to improve your relationship. Compromise. Communicate. Why was there a dent, why did they feel the need to be with someone else, why weren't they satisfied with you?

If you or your partner can't be bothered, then forget the relationship being long-term. If it is something about you that you cannot really change (eg.you don't make enough money, or they don't like your parents) Move onto step 4.

4. Give it some time. Once realising your faults (if reasonable), tell them you need time to sort things through, to get over the situation, because you really do.. You need them to see your worth, also you need time to yourself to think hard about whether you really do want this relationship.

5. Forgive them.

I guess forgiving them is fine.. think more than twice to make sure you won't regret anything..

If they cheat on you again after having been through this, don't think about being with them again. I think having once been through this is much more than enough.
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Comment by Heej

August 2nd 2006 14:52
I think if you see it from a natural or evolutionary perspective, men are "supposed" to be polygamous... Now that in no way signifies that I condone cheating... I think of all the selfish things you can do in a relationship that is the worst... A total disregard for the other person...

Anyways, apparently men being the donor and women being the carrier when it comes to conception, we want to donor as much as possible, cause from an evolutionary point of view, that's the best way to ensure that our genes survive and are passed on. The more the better... But from a female point of view since they'll be carrying the young for 9 months and will have the predominant role in nurturing it (in evolutionary terms of course, both parents should equally be responsible in this day and age), they will be happy to stick to a good specimen once they find one...

Well I guess that doesn't really relate to much these days. But if there are statistics on cheating and men do cheat more, I guess that could be one complex explanation... I guess certainly the stereotypical view is that men do cheat more, and shame on all those that do...

I think it might have something to do with wanting control and power in a relationship as well, like I can go out and do what I want cause I'm more dominant, type thing...

I think all guys that wanna cheat should take some tissue, go to the bathroom and relieve themselves... cause they'll feel exactly the same as after they've committed the felony~

Heh... hope that doesn't make it sound like I have experience... It's just the logical conclusion I came to... Actually I thought of it cause my dad's a cheater and there's this crazy stereotype in my culture that if the dad cheats the son will cheat also... So I had to come up with a preventative measure incase that view was remotely true~ heh

Comment by mmg

August 4th 2006 02:05
it also really depends on the severity of the infidelity- did they just sleep with someone ONCE or TWICE or were they having an affair? it's a universal fact that women care much more about the emotions involved in the act of unfaithfulness, whereas men tend to focus more on the act itself (regardless of the woman's feeling towards the 'other man'). all in all, i think a cheater KNOWS they're cheating, but is driven by the moment and ignores it- even though they are totally AWARE they are hurting the one that they love, they throw away everything for their selfishness! Those who cheat are simply not ready to be in a relationship, i would rather a guy call me and break up with me and THEN sleep with 'the other woman' than just cheat on me....it jus proves to you how much they're worth, and how much you're worth to you.

DRUNKENESS is not an excuse for cheating- no matter how drunk you are, you will never forget whom it is you love. cheating (and possibly breaking someone's heart along with the act) is always in our control, so if you really care about someone, it would not happen!


p.s.HEEJ----> huh? men wank in the bathrooms? that is ..... disgusting!

Comment by Anonymous

August 9th 2006 17:05
I have been with my boyfriend for six years. We recently started haveing problems. He is distant and has lack of careing how I feel. I have tried to talk and he said he needs some space. Than I found out he is cheating. He will not admit it. He bought a seperate cell phone just to talk to this other women. But he insist they are just friends. I went to her house and told asked her if they were sleeping togeather and at first she also said they were just friends. After I said that he said they were sleeping togeather she admitted it. In front of her husband. He now says that she is a lieing bicht and has nothing nice to say about her. I know he is lieing , but I just can not bring myself to leave him. I don't want anyone else and I and can not picture being with him.

Comment by Anonymous

December 29th 2006 16:21
I want to forgive him. I love him, but I love myself more. What's killing me right now is can I live with the choice? Am I disrespecting myself by taking him back? Do I just not want to be alone? I'm not going to marry him, its just not an option So if the relationship, while meaningful, is only temporary is infidelity a deal breaker? I just don't know.

The first month, a one time fling with some woman in vegas? He wanted to feel like a stud I
suppose, how selfish can you be! Completly disregarding me and screwing someone else just for the fun of it, not to mention lying about it for 7 months.

To be honest I never thought I'd be the type of woman to take a cheater back.I thought those women were weak or simply couldn't do any better. My claim was always 'You hit me or cheat on me it'll be the last time you ever see me'. But, when you're faced with that kind of betrayl you know in your gut if its worth saving or not- and not until, and for me in this circumstance it is. BUT forgiving and forgetting are not mutually inclusive. There is always a 'but' isn't there?

It's an uphill battle everyday to not dwell in it, to not try an picture it, picture her, them. I was never suspicious before, now I'm ever doubtful and questioning. Its this nagging thought in the back of mind whenever I'm not with him. It's not my nature, but I can't help it.

But the truth is I can't hound him, stalk him, check his cellphone or drive by his house at all hours of the day and night, its too exhausting and I have a life of my own besides. I don't trust him, not yet, but given some time I'll let him earn it back- because he's shown that he really wants to. BUT, there it is again, I can't harbor this grudge anymore, it'll only cause me more pain. I won't make any more snide comments and I have to stop planning a rebuttle affair. I'm just going to take it day by day and focus on all the reason I want to be with him, not on all the ways he's hurt me. I'm just going to move on with my life.

Comment by Anonymous

August 1st 2007 21:08
i recently got engaged, but i just found out i was cheated on for months and months. i don't know what to do.

Comment by Anonymous

August 1st 2007 21:08
i recently got engaged, but i just found out i was cheated on for months and months. i don't know what to do.

Comment by Anonymous

January 10th 2008 04:31
please leave him, for yourself. i know it's hard. i know it hurts, but do it for yourself. if you take him back your risking having your heart broken again. i've done it. over and over. and every time i seem to get hurt.

Comment by Anonymous

March 26th 2008 07:24
i recently found out that a year ago my partner slept with another person.

at the time things were rocky and she had just found out that i was getting mentally close to one of my friends although nothing happened. she then admitted after 1 year to kissing this guy which totally lost all my trust and i was devestated as little as a kiss can be.

however last night i found out that she had actualy had sex with the guy which i suspected nd fully belived ll along. but i guess when your in a relationship no matteer how many times you ask your partner t tell the truth deep inside u would rther than they keep the secret and lie as the truth can be gut wrenching.

i always thought in our relationship if anyone would ruin it and cheat it would be me- being a guy who spends a lotof time around women but somehow i managed to stray away from these sexual temptations which makes it al the more sickening to find out that my partner couldnt

now she is totally heart broken and has had to live with the guilt for over a year. should i take her back as we have plans to move in together and already have 5 start holiday booked and i know we are right for eachother or does my self respect mean more to me than any women ever could. i guess thats what prevents you from getting back with your partner in the end, the fact that it is u who loses the respect for urself, the sickness n ur stomach that u just can rid of, a mixture of shame, anger and embarressment. But i guess it is the embarressment that that hits you the most, knowing that people will look at you and think your soft or pathetic for taking a loved one bak after such cruel deeds, rather than your partner being humiliated and feeling shame for the actions it is u who feels embarressed and shame over the act as being cheated on can destroy a life, and future plans in only a sentence

please let me know your comments on this matter and i am happy to exhange me views if anyone has similar problems

Comment by Anonymous

March 31st 2008 14:51
hey a couple of months ago a friend told me that my boyfriend had cheated on me with another girl. when i asked him about it he said no he had never cheated on me with anyone. also the girl i spoke who supposidly made this rumour up said it was from a very unreliable source and she often lies.
so becazuse there was no hard evidence i chose to believe that he didnt do it.but now i am finding it really hard to get over this ordeal and everytime he goes out with his mates i find that i am worring bout weahter or not he is seeing another girl. i really want to forgive him and stop thinking about it but i just dont know how to. if anyone has any advice please tell me.

Comment by Anonymous

June 24th 2008 21:03
well...
i was seeing this guy in january..it was nothing serious, kind of just talking about dating. But not exactly. Anyways, i went over seas and we talked and texted sometimes nothing major, i didnt really want to date him because before me he dated a girl for 3 years and it intimidated me. anyways on newyears i called him and said yeah ill date you, but then i saw on his facebook page she was writing to him, so i broke up with him and said not to call me or try another relationship until they were done. Anyways, i got back from my holiday, and i found out they had slept together but whatever we werent really anything.
sooo time passes and me and him get incredibly close, like in love, hanging out all the time...
and he promised me he would never talk to her again, had to desire...never loved her as much as he loved me blah blah...
anyways...
lets go back a couple years.
at 20 his mother just randomly got up and left.
he was a big mommas boy...and all of a sudden one day she just left.( this will be important in a second)
so whatever we go on for months being happy and rocky and whatever else. he would always say he was so lucky, and people would always coment and say 'why are you dating him'? without being concided or snotty, i am quite better looking then he is...
anyways.
he cheated on me again last week, two diffrent times.
he drove 1 in a half hours to see his ex gf, and they ended up sleeping together. Then when she cameback to her hometown ( where he lives also) she came over, he told her to leave, and she did, but then she came back.
anyways..
they ended up sleeping together and he never told me, i found out from one of his friends. mind you he said he was going to but it was only 1 week and he was trying to tell me, but felt to sick.. and wanted to work up the guts.
anyways...i was pretty much like i cant believe you did this to us, that was the one thing i was most scared of...and he said he couldnt believe he did this to us.
and that he was grossed out, he felt like he knew it was wrong but kept doing it...
anyways he wants to make it work, but im being really cautious...
he went to a counciller because he was so upset with himself and didnt understand why he did it because he doesnt like her, and is so inlove with me...
the physciatrist said he did it because he was so worried that i was going to leave him (throughout the relationship he would say please never leave me) anyways she said he has abbandonment issues because of his mother just randomly leaving. Also, he put me on a pedestal, and never felt good enough for me. Anyways...so he cheated straight up...hes written me a letter saying he wants to marry me so much, and wants to start a new chapter and loves me more then anyone in his entire life...wants to see the counciller together, and start going to church.
he says he wont drink unless im around, and is sending me flowers at work, and cries alot.
he doesnt want me to take him back right now, he said he wants to make himself a better person...for him and for us.
sooo my question
when do you forgive and when do you forget??


Comment by Anonymous

July 28th 2008 00:18
I experienced a similar situation. I had been seeing a guy for close to six months and he confessed that when we began seeing each other (before the "i love yous" and girlfriend/boyfriend titles) he slept with his ex one night. She also happens to be the mother of his child and they were together on and off for many years. I was so hurt to find out that he could have done that, nonetheless tell me he loved me while keeping the secret.
Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do with him yet but this situation has made me think quite a bit about cheating and forgiving. What I want to say to those who have never been in the situation, either as the cheater or the hurt partner, is that you truly cannot imagine what it feels like unless it happens to you.
I honestly believe that if you really love someone, if you believe in the person and the relationship, forgiveness is really the only option. It is my opinion that letting go of someone you love because of their indiscretions is not brave at all. It is cowardice because you are afraid to love and trust again. In the end, only you can make the decision and I urge you to follow your heart, not your head, for once, if only once.

Comment by Anonymous

July 28th 2008 00:18
I experienced a similar situation. I had been seeing a guy for close to six months and he confessed that when we began seeing each other (before the "i love yous" and girlfriend/boyfriend titles) he slept with his ex one night. She also happens to be the mother of his child and they were together on and off for many years. I was so hurt to find out that he could have done that, nonetheless tell me he loved me while keeping the secret.
Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do with him yet but this situation has made me think quite a bit about cheating and forgiving. What I want to say to those who have never been in the situation, either as the cheater or the hurt partner, is that you truly cannot imagine what it feels like unless it happens to you.
I honestly believe that if you really love someone, if you believe in the person and the relationship, forgiveness is really the only option. It is my opinion that letting go of someone you love because of their indiscretions is not brave at all. It is cowardice because you are afraid to love and trust again. In the end, only you can make the decision and I urge you to follow your heart, not your head, for once, if only once.

Comment by Anonymous

August 11th 2008 11:45
I began dating "the love of my life" at the age of sixteen. It was our first relationship and I went into it with hopes of a long future together. Being a good Christian girl, I looked for perfection from my "reformed party boyfriend". After a year, my boyfriend was so overwhelmed with guilt, he sat me down and told me his old habits were still being practiced, such as partying and kissing girls at these parties. Devastated- I broke up with him. A month later he won me back and then he spent a year in college. After waiting for him and being as true as true can be, rumors began to spread about his infidelity. He began going to small groups at church, and one night, overwhelmed with guilt (once again) he confessed that the rumors were true and that they had intercourse. Also that there were a few incidents as well while he was at college. After breaking up again, we ended up in the same town for school. This past year we've continued our relationship and have been extremely happy. He's never been sweeter, more caring, and trustworthy. But like most of these individuals who have commented on this article, there is a constant fear of being hurt. Although I trust him 98%, there is that 2% chance in my mind that one day he will sit me down again to relieve his guilt. And then I almost hope he'll just keep it to himself if anything like that happens again. Also, I am so ashamed of the situation. I feel like other women look at me like I am weak or pathetic or not worth of fidelity, or that they are better then me. This 2% has been straining our relationship. I can't stop myself from being paranoid or angry. I'll be fine for weeks and then something triggers in my mind.And he's getting so frustrated dealing with my ranting and raving, when he's been good. I'm hoping that we can get through this, but I also fear that one day one of us will be at our breaking point and there will be no chance recovering what we lost.

Comment by NEED HELP!

September 11th 2008 15:40
I was dating my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years. (He was completely faithful through the course of the relationship). We were seriously together the entire duration of our relationship. We lived together for the last 3 1/2 yrs of it, and have two dogs together. The future of our relationship was moving towards marriage, however, things had become pretty stale- I think we were more friends than lovers towards the end, but that is not to say that there wasnt still passion in our relationship. I think both of us felt unappreciated, and it manifested itself in the bedroom. Regardless, I found out that while my boyfriend was in another city looking for an apt for us (we were planning to move back to our home town together-after we had relocated to the east coast for a yr) he slept with one of my good friends. I didnt find out until about a week after when he broke up with me, and then revealed that he had cheated. He has since moved into said apartment, and I moved in with my parents....Anyways, we have been apart for almost 4 months. He has been with other people, and I have finally realized that I too might want to be with other people (he was my first boyfriend, so it has been very difficult to imagine myself with someone else). Lately, however, he has been talking about how he wants to dump his current gf for me. I really dont know how i feel about it. I love him, this im certain. We have an amazing bond and an understanding of each other. I am inclined to suggest we just stay friends bc of how well we know and care for each other, but I am very attracted to him, and know that physical stuff would be a constant issue.As far as a new relationship goes, i dont really feel like he has done anything to regain my trust, or taken any steps in repairing our relationship. Another obstacle is that my family and friends all know the circumstances of our breakup, and I CANNOT imagine telling them that we are back together. I would really appreciate some advice-is this perhaps something time will heal, or should I walk away from the prospect of ever being involved with him again? Trust is not the issue here-I know that if we were to get back together-cheating would not happen again. I guess I'm wondering if people will always see me as pathetic by getting back with him...while I realize this isnt all that matters-but I want to be able to share in the joys of my relationship w ppl i care about, and it is not something that I would want to hide.... please help!

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