Sharon TohInsecurities
August 7th 2006 10:47
Firstly, I'd like to excuse my absence from the past few days..
For the majority of my 4 month relationship, I admit that I've felt pretty insecure throughout it. Its not due to the fact that I felt unattractive, or that I feel incompetent, its mainly due to the fact that he talked about his previous relationships so much.. He's cheated and realised that he was the selfish one a couple of times.. He'd tell me about the great things he did for them.. Which comes to the bottom line - would he take me for granted and leave too? and will he ever do great things for me, if not greater?
Its quite depressing to hear your boyfriend telling you about the past that he shared with other women. It makes you feel as though he's always got them on his mind while he's with you, and that you can never be number 1 in his life.
So how insecure are women? We probably have more than half the single male population within our age group after us.. and yet we choose to stick with the one guy who we believe will make us happy for the time being. We have so much more opportunities to cheat and lie, yet we hold back. No matter how confident we may appear, we always have a tinge of insecuriy. Askmen.com states "Most women, no matter how they present themselves to the outside world, have a few nagging insecurities" and provides a few reasons to why women may feel that way.
I was never convinced that my bf truely did love me.. he told me that he loved me within the first week of the relationship at a very bad time. It was until saturday night that I was truly convinced of his love for me. We were at some bar in the city, it was his friend's 21st and more of a 'boys night out'. He had popped a pill after quite a few drinks.
He told me that I opened up his soul, that he truly does love me and that it wasn't the drugs or the alcohol talking. It did seem as though he really meant it because it felt as though he still had control over himself.
So I thought about it for a while afterwards, was it the drugs/alcohol that opened up his shell or was he just talking nonsense? i felt so special that night after hearing those words.. but was it really him.? I've felt insecure for so long, those words may have done the trick to relinquish all insecurities.. but to have said that under the influence of drugs and alcohol?
I guess you can't ever feel 100% sure. Married men, despite having had so many memories and having gone through so much with their wives, continue to cheat.
But wait, there is help! Dr.Drew states that we should "Focus on something other than your relationship, and find interests that don't revolve around your boyfriend." So if we don't make them number 1 we have no risk of condemming our lives? Is that also one of the things that men want? Am I repeating myself? "they don't want a clingy girl, who makes them feel as though they are the only thing in the world that can make her happy, and without him her life would be doomed." Is that one of the reasons why.. so they can take off, leave without a trace of guilt?
I believe that the majority of men like to play around until they hit a certain age and realise that they need a loving wife and family of their own. I was drunk one night in the city, I was in tears sitting on the steps outside some nightclub with my friends who were trying to comfort me because I believed that my boyfriend really didn't love me.. A group of guys in their mid-20's came up to us and told us that guys play around until they turn 26 and realise that they need to settle down.
Are we going to continue to feel insecure until we're certain that they're for life? How can we be sure?
For the majority of my 4 month relationship, I admit that I've felt pretty insecure throughout it. Its not due to the fact that I felt unattractive, or that I feel incompetent, its mainly due to the fact that he talked about his previous relationships so much.. He's cheated and realised that he was the selfish one a couple of times.. He'd tell me about the great things he did for them.. Which comes to the bottom line - would he take me for granted and leave too? and will he ever do great things for me, if not greater?
So how insecure are women? We probably have more than half the single male population within our age group after us.. and yet we choose to stick with the one guy who we believe will make us happy for the time being. We have so much more opportunities to cheat and lie, yet we hold back. No matter how confident we may appear, we always have a tinge of insecuriy. Askmen.com states "Most women, no matter how they present themselves to the outside world, have a few nagging insecurities" and provides a few reasons to why women may feel that way.
I was never convinced that my bf truely did love me.. he told me that he loved me within the first week of the relationship at a very bad time. It was until saturday night that I was truly convinced of his love for me. We were at some bar in the city, it was his friend's 21st and more of a 'boys night out'. He had popped a pill after quite a few drinks.
He told me that I opened up his soul, that he truly does love me and that it wasn't the drugs or the alcohol talking. It did seem as though he really meant it because it felt as though he still had control over himself.
So I thought about it for a while afterwards, was it the drugs/alcohol that opened up his shell or was he just talking nonsense? i felt so special that night after hearing those words.. but was it really him.? I've felt insecure for so long, those words may have done the trick to relinquish all insecurities.. but to have said that under the influence of drugs and alcohol?
I guess you can't ever feel 100% sure. Married men, despite having had so many memories and having gone through so much with their wives, continue to cheat.
But wait, there is help! Dr.Drew states that we should "Focus on something other than your relationship, and find interests that don't revolve around your boyfriend." So if we don't make them number 1 we have no risk of condemming our lives? Is that also one of the things that men want? Am I repeating myself? "they don't want a clingy girl, who makes them feel as though they are the only thing in the world that can make her happy, and without him her life would be doomed." Is that one of the reasons why.. so they can take off, leave without a trace of guilt?
I believe that the majority of men like to play around until they hit a certain age and realise that they need a loving wife and family of their own. I was drunk one night in the city, I was in tears sitting on the steps outside some nightclub with my friends who were trying to comfort me because I believed that my boyfriend really didn't love me.. A group of guys in their mid-20's came up to us and told us that guys play around until they turn 26 and realise that they need to settle down.
Are we going to continue to feel insecure until we're certain that they're for life? How can we be sure?
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Comment by Addy
but while depressing to hear about you respective other's past, i think it's also good to know where they are coming from. though, they have to make it clear that they are leaving all that behind.
and for me, i know that my boyfriend adores me, but still i feel insecure. i know the insecurity is not justifiable, but still.
i think it's a female issue - we all just want to feel loved, wanted and needed.
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Comment by Legally Brunette
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Have you ever read that book, "He's Just Not That Into You?" You MUST read it. It has every answer to your questions in there.
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Well I agree with all the above.
It's good that he's honest with you but then again knowing his history of cheating, who's to say he won't make the same mistakes? I steer clear of any guys with a cheating past, it's a huge turn off.
I think the words "I love you" are so overused nowadays. Actions speak louder than words, and so do drugs. You love everyone when you're on a high (so I've heard) so I'd look for acts of selflessness to show whether or not he cares about you and really loves you.
Everyone gets insecure at times, I usually blame it on the time of the month or miscommunication and/or misinterpretation.
Comment by Legally Brunette
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Have you ever asked him why he talks about them? Like he has something to prove? His own insecurities maybe?
Comment by mmg
Comment by Anonymous
It is in the actions of the person you are with that makes you feel loved, not the words. if he is comparing you and your relationship to his past ones, then you can bet that he has done that before and will continue to do that, no matter who he is with. I gues the question you should ask yourself is if you will be happy to live like this for the rest of your life, because he won't change no matter what you think and you will always have doubts unless you find the core of the issue and face it with him or without him. Have you always been insecure or is it just in this relationship?
Comment by mlxo
mmg>> im not sure what will happen, but i'm going to give him a chance.. the worst that can happen is that we'll break up and i'll learn something from it..
thanks everyone for your comments! I've realised that i have to know what i truly want..