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Memoirs of a Girlfriend - by Sharon Toh

You can't change what's been written, but you can always write something new.

the ideal man

July 25th 2006 14:31
Lately for the past couple of years, I've had all the time in the world to think about what I really want in a man. I've met different types of guys who have opened up various aspects of the world to me.. I've met a guy who I thought was the absolute ideal person until I thought deeper about it. Just thought it might be interesting to perhaps list a few characteristics I would want my ideal man to possess. I'm sure alot of other women would feel the same way inside.

Down to the very basics, the ideal man must be honest: he must not lie, cheat or deceive. He must be wise and be able to teach me more about the world and myself. I want a man to make me become a better person, to encourage me and to support me while i'm weak. I want him to be strong and also be able to show his weak side at times. I want him to be able to engage endless conversations. I want him to show respect, to take in consideration my opinions and ideas. I want him to be loving and caring and to never grow tired. I would want him to put up with me and accept me for the way I am.

Superficially, I want a man who would go out of his way at any time to my need. I would want him to come from a nice family with nice friends. I would want him to have a future and direction. I would like a guy who remembers special dates and is full of surprises. Small gifts from time to time, little unexpected notes here and there, lots of reassuring love.

Most of all, I would love a guy who would change for me. The most important thing I find in a guy would be his personality and his loyalty.

Obviously I will not find a man who would fufill every single criteria i have just mentioned.. so compromise takes its place from then on..

I am sick of love games. I really am, and I'm sure many of you are as well.. Sweet talk and extreme random acts of kindness are just meaningless to me now.. I feel manipulated when guys do that..

I really want to find the man I will marry and just settle down into life.. I want to get to know him well - both the bad and the good.. My previous post concerned consequences dealing with the future, perhaps I was wrong.. perhaps I was just too scared of becoming heartbroken all over again.

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19 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by >=)

July 26th 2006 03:58
'ideal men' can never exist in society today, even if there is sucha thing, i bet they're all taken!!=(

Comment by Anonymous

July 26th 2006 08:26
"Most of all, I would love a guy who would change for me" ~ hun, if u met ur ideal guy, he'd be so perfect in your eyes you wouldn't want him to change for the world! I think that when u fall in love, u grow together and change together naturally. but if u expect him to change things here and there from the start or near the beginning, well, wouldn't that be a bit like chipping away at the base of a foundation?
P.S. i miss u chick, where are u these days eh?

Comment by Anonymous

July 26th 2006 18:01
To state honestly, I feel like I would fit that criteria minus the lying, family and future/direction...

I'm working hard on the lying and future part... the family I can't help...

What would be your advice to someone who says I'm not good enough, considering that I'm more than willing to change any and all aspects that fall short of being their "ideal"...?

Comment by ..

July 26th 2006 22:49
the 'ideal man' is can still be perfect in a woman's eyes even if they come from a family background that is not so good- if they cant help it, it's not their fault!!
but as for the lying! women cannot stand liars!! nearly every single one of my relationships, i have been lied to!! WHY?? honestly is the most important thing in a relationship! is it in the male genes to lie?!?!?!

Comment by memoirsofagirlfriend

July 26th 2006 23:17
If i were to find a man who fit most of my criteria, but was lacking in some (eg. if he were a liar, fraud or playa) I would want him to change to better suit my need, to become a better person and more 'husband material'. If a guy will not stop lying, and will not stop playing around with girls, then he cannot change for me. I believe that people are adaptible, and given the right amount of time they will settle into life.

To anonymous, those that you mentioned were the 'superficial' things i would have wanted in a man.. Its things that you are willing to let go of easily if not present.. If you're willing to change, then you're always going to be good enough. You just have to let a woman see your true potential.

Comment by memoirsofagirlfriend

July 26th 2006 23:26
woops.. if he lacked some things, i would allow room for improvement and if he couldn't improve, then i would just compromise.. Learn why he can't change and just accept him for it.

Comment by >=)

July 27th 2006 03:24
nice blog=)

chikitty china >,<

Comment by Alan

July 27th 2006 04:09
My ideal girl would be:

Someone who is selfish, in the sense that she cares so much about her own direction in life and well-being that she will not stand for anyone or anythign that gets in her way.
She wont be lazy, she won't be whiny, she wont be shy, she'd basically be a take charge no-nonsense character, when it comes to that part of her life.
Guys would NOT be able to bend her to their little whims and insecurities and she would not be the type to were her heart on her sleeve. (Dont get me wrong i dont want a narc... she's gotta have a ggod sense of humour and be a social queen as well!)
People that i feel are talking about changing for one another or doing things (that they dont WANT to do) for one another, suffer from a power complex, and feel the need conciously or sub-conciously to flex their relationship muscles with subliminal threats. I feel its rather sad... They are insecure themselves and are searching for reassurance from bending their partners to their desire, using their happiness as leverage.
Its such a turn off....
Guys aren't complex.. you might not believe it sometimes. We say what we mean, we're attracted to hot bodies and girls that look after themselves, and we're attracted to girls that we can TALK to... ever notice how jealous you get when you see your boyfriend engage in an entertaining, laughter-filled, eye-brow-forrowing conversation with a girl? Of course you do, because he genuinely finds her interesting and is actually enjoying the conversation they're having. Is it possible he finds her more interesting than me? Does he like her? Maybe he thinks i'm boring?
All of the above could very well be true, at THAT moment in time...
In conclusion, its not about what you do for them, the sacrifices you volunteer to make or how well you you suck his dick.
Its about getting along, and being able to enhance each others lives, its about being able to chill out at home with a bottle of wine and just chat.

So i dont know what my point really was, but i know i disagreed with most of what manda has said...

now i know i may come accross as some kinda serious anal tool. But rest assured, i am quite the opposite.

Comment by Anonymous who wrote the 18:01 comment above

July 27th 2006 07:03
Thanks for the advice on the show of potential mIxo

I've found that to be extremely hard for myself. I guess one reason is every time I get close, something goes wrong... usually my fault...

Any advice on the best way to show potential?

What would you look for to see if a guy had potential?

Comment by Anonymous

July 27th 2006 07:42
18:01 dude: I'm not manda but i'll offer advice anyway if u really want to show ur potential, look to yourself first alright. u say u have a lying problem - fix it. do everything u can. Try and revert that 'i can't help it' mentality. most of the time, if ur involved in what seems like an impossible situation especially involving family, u can help it, either by helping urself or helping others. it's really a matter of seeing whether that's worth the sacrifice of your effort & time and it certainly should be.

Comment by Heej

July 28th 2006 21:04
By definition, I think, nobody can ever be a true "ideal", since by definition, an "ideal" is not a reality...

But I think it is possible to come across someone that is so great and so perfect that they become your ideal... And when that happens you truly feel like the best person in the world...

I almost lost that feeling recently, and I'm working hard now to get it back : )

There is a comment above by .. that says they've been lied to by every guy... Do any other women share this experience? Are all men liars?

Comment by memoirsofagirlfriend

July 29th 2006 02:15
18:01 anonymous>> i agree with the post anonymous posted in reply to yours.. People are willing to accept you as you are most of the time if you accept your faults, that they are faults, and that you do something about it.Thats pretty much potential.. As with women looking for guys that 'have a future', its those guys that are currently active in pursuing it, showing potential that they can study/work their way to a promising career.

Heej>> I believe that all guys lie.. In fact, I believe that it is human nature that is to blame.. All people lie to hide the truth that they don't want to reveal for their own reasons. Perhaps they haven't settled into life yet and don't want to hurt their partners, perhaps they don't know what they want and lie their way through life.. I don't think that we should limit liars to just men, women also lie. We lie to protect ourselves and others from the truth, however devasting or brilliant it may be.

Comment by Anonymous

November 25th 2008 21:28
"I want him to be able to engage in endless conversations."

Sorry to disappoint, but this is not what men do. Maybe you should be looking for the perfect woman?

I'm a guy and seriously wonder what a woman truly wants. Because I bet even if such a man existed who wanted "endless conversations", and treated you like a princess, you'd probably start to complain that he was too soft and that you wanted a bit of rough stuff. Woman don't even know what they want!

Also where are all perfect women? They're like gold dust.

Comment by Anonymous

March 27th 2009 13:27
Guyzz..each and everyone has got his own viewz nd ideas about his/her partner..and at a point n life u will find her...
Therz no pont in bending to her viewz coz u luv her true heartdly...nd not try to make her bend to yourself...
...FIND THE COMMON THING IN BETWEEN YOU ND HER..WORK TOWARDS IT WITH the end of the road look onez ther...just u and ur partner...with everyone around....

Comment by Rhiannon

June 16th 2009 16:17
I admire your thoughts of an ideal man however, i fail to see what would truely make this work. Sure, he might have all the qualities, but would you love him?

He could be all these things but there still might not be that connection, that attraction, he would just be that really swell guy. I think these thoughts of 'ideals' ruin our sense of realism. Nice as it is to think about it, do we really want a perfect man? In the real world, wouldn't that make us girls feel rather imperfect and not good enough? Make us paranoid he might wake up one day and realise he could do better? Let's face it, the girls would be queuing up if such a man existed.

I think the most important thing is finding a guy who you can love, despite all his flaws and faults and in addition to this, a man who can love us back despite all our faults. And that is a hard task.

In the meantime, while you wait, i advise reading lots of sappy romance novels - works for me.

Comment by Anonymous351

December 20th 2009 23:18
Ideals are uniquely based on individual perspectives, what you believe to be perfect. I doubt any person on this planet has the same thinking of what an ideal man/woman is.

Strictly speaking to Sharon's opinion of an ideal man, yes they do exist. It isn't such an impossibility to find such a man, for perfection is in the eys of the beholder. I myself am one and three of my close friends are as well, according to your opinion of an ideal man.

To "<=)". I'd just like to say, in order for them to be taken, they had to first be available and free. Being realistic isn't such a bad thing, but being unproductively negative is however.

This is to all women that are reading this blog, specifically to the women with the same notion as Sharon, "being tired of sweet talk and extreme random acts of kindness". The guys that fit this perspective of an ideal man, are willing to change, but not in the way that has been expressed on here. The way they change, is to better conform to your sense of lifestyle, humor, likes/dislikes, and your momentum through life. They change to become better suited to being with you, so the both of you can be happy together. However, these men do get taken pretty quickly, because the woman that they are with never want to let them go.

But there is something that hasn't been addressed or put into the light in this blog. On top of these attributes that you women desire in the ideal man, you also have to take into account the chemistry. The man could be your ideal, but just not your type of guy, and you could be great friends, but thats about it. I would be willing to bet, most of the time when you meet these ideal men, two things occur. 1) You pass off their sweet talk and acts of kindness as shallow and groundless, passing them off as the usual deceptive jerk 2) No chemistry, whether its mutual or individual, so you're only friends . In the off-chance neither of these things occur, the two fall in love and get together.

As for the feeling of inadequacy and paranoia that he might leave because he can do better, I can only speak for myself and my friend Brian. I do hope this is the same for all the other similar "ideal" men. The thing you need to remember, is that if you are together, is that you both chose each other and both accepted each other. If you can't satisfy yourself with that, well then you're blessed with ability to talk with each other. If he truly is the "ideal" man and doesn't lie, and he is there for you when you are weak. Then just go to him for emotional reassurance and he will gladly give it to you, because you are his world.

Comment by Anonymous

April 22nd 2010 09:12
Well I met my ideal woman once, she was everything I could ever have asked for and more. Interestingly if only she'd had the same ideals as you because I fulfill every one of your requests (yes I know it sounds ridiculously vain but sometimes you have to be in order to be honest with yourself). Eventually she broke up with me, seemingly for no reason. I still don't understand why, however I knew that if that was her decision then she must have had a incentive, if that brings her happiness then I can't argue with it. We're still friends, only now that I've experienced my idea of perfection it's very difficult to move on. Each person I've met subsequently has just made me feel as if something is missing; a resentment that should never be present in a relationship.

My warning would have to be that finding the perfect partner is both bliss and torment. Bliss if they see their own ideals within you, torment if they don't. It's a bit like having a meal at a 3 starred restaurant, then going for lunch the next day at a cafe around the corner. You may have a good meal at the cafe, but you'll still be yearning for the experience you had the night before; flaws that you might never have noticed or cared about before hand become apparent and can take away from your current setting.

Comment by mars

November 9th 2010 09:21
I'm sorry but you're ridiculous. You want a man to accept you for exactly who YOU are but THEY have to be willing to change for you? The reason you can't find a good man, my dear, is because you're forgetting that there are TWO people in a relationship. All you want is a doormat. Well, I've had men who change for me and try to be all they can be for me, and I despise it because they are not themselves. If I wanted a relationship like that I would buy a dog. Relationships aren't so much about compromise as they are about acceptance. If you are able to accept the "flaws" you see in your partner without becoming resentful, then that's as much of a compromise you should make, and vice versa. I suggest you get out of dream world and into a good therapist's office so that your self-esteem jets through the roof before you go on the prowl.

Comment by prioritize before you compromise

January 9th 2011 09:38
I think compromise/acceptance is a tricky subject. It's necessary to let people off the hook for some things, but it's not enough to excuse them because they fit some of your ideals. If they're missing the important attributes, or too many of the superficial ones, you'll eventually become disatisfied or hurt. You need to prioritize before you compromise. Try deciding on a few basic attributes they must have, a few that you would prefer they have, and a few that would be ideal but not necessary. For example: ~He must be stable, kind, honest, and generally handsome. Would much prefer he be tall, cool, and adventurous. Rich, ripped, and blonde would be ideal.~ This way you can make sure the important bases are covered when you connect with someone. Of course, your priorities are for you to decide.

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